Another year has gone by and from a traveling standpoint, this was by far one of the least exciting years I have had in a long time. I pretty much worked most of the year and didn’t take too many days off to travel and/or enjoy life.
The year started off running head first into busy season at work. I went from one client to another each week. I was able to travel a couple of the weeks for business, Chicago and St. Pete Beach. In Chicago, we ate at some local restaurants and I was able to shop the first night I got there, which is always a highlight in my book. I made sure to stop by the Lego Store and check out all the new collections for the year. Of course I didn’t leave the store empty handed!
As busy season for work was coming to an end, I was gearing up for some much needed travel. Right before my trips started, I purchased one of the best items ever created…an iPad!!! Yes, I was one of the people standing in line at Apple the day it came out with 3G on April 30th. Oh, I must mention I was the first one in line (thanks mom for helping make that happen). A week later with the iPad in hand, I was off to London to visit my dear friend Danielle Murphy. I was only there for four days but we made sure to jam as much as possible in that four day weekend. If you would like to see fabulous pictures and read more about the trip, check out my blog entry at:
http://dsrliving.blogspot.com/2010/05/trip-to-london-was-absolutely-fabulous.html
I had a couple weeks in town to recoup and then it was off to Iowa to visit relatives and celebrate Memorial Day. It was a weekend filled with stories, laughs, eating, gathering, cards, and of course trips to the cemetery…Love it! The rest of the year was filled with tons of work, church and some day trips.
Over the past several years I have wanted to start attending church regularly, reading God’s word, and separating myself from the night life scene. There was always something standing in the way it seemed (mostly soccer)…well not this year. Since April, I have been attending First Baptist Church of Naples. Even though I was christened as a child, I decided to be baptized in the Gulf this summer on July 25th. Since then, I have been reading God’s word daily, going to weekly church services, and attending different groups/ministries in the church. It’s been a tough second half of the year though, as I have confronted my vices and I am in the process of changing, healing, and moving forward. I believe this was an essential step I needed to take in order to walk and live a life for God and not myself or for others. As Andrew Peterson wrote in one of his songs, “The only way to find your life is to lay your own life down.” Isn’t that the truth…well, it has definitely been a life changing year!
After working so much I have decided to take three months off next summer to go on a dream trip I have had for several years to the Middle East area (Turkey, Syria, Israel, Jordan, & Egypt) for half of the time and then volunteer the remainder of the time. Needless to say, I am ready for 2010 to be over and looking forward to the adventures of 2011!
“Grace, mercy, and peace will be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.” – 2 John 1:3
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
When Will It Stop
I know deep down inside I want to break free from this but why can't I do it. The urges are so strong at times and I give in. Am I hopeless? Will this be with me the rest of my life? I have so many dreams and this isn't one of them. I recite His word that He loves me and say over & over 1 Cor. 6:19-20 but the urges seem too strong at times. This body isn't mine, so how can I treat it so badly.
I was doing well. Three weeks had gone by and I was making progress. I disposed of all my blades, I was fighting off the urges that came into my head with scripture verses, but then came today. Nothing crazy happened except the urge to cut was fierce and I gave into Satan (I hate writing that word but if it's not God's way then whose way is it). I used to get these "Helping Hand" blades (nice name huh) but haven't been able to find them in a while. I dislike the ones Publix, Walmart, & Target carry, so I went in search for others. I went to the first store and for the life of me couldn't find any, so then I went to the next store and looked & looked and finally there they were, my favorite brand. Yes I am a sick, pathetic person.
To really do a lot of damage, I was going to go and buy a bottle of wine to kick things off but thankfully resisted those temptations. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to do this? To feel this pain on the outside? I wish I could break free from this and the urges wouldn't even enter my mind.
Long sleeves for a while now...good thing it's cold outside. All the research shows that this is something that occurs in teenagers and people in their early 20's. It's a phase that people grow out of, so why haven't I? I know I can do it but what will I replace it with? Hopefully nothing else hurtful.
I really need to change some of the songs I listen to...lyrics & music can definitely have an impact on my emotions...today's song choices were:
I'm so messed up. I can talk a good game, put on the smiles, be social and laugh when I am out with people but it feels empty. I play the part, then go home and feel disgusted with myself. But really who wants to hang around anyone who is down and out...uh no one!
Day 1 starts again tomorrow...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Morning Routine
Chapter 7
This chapter focuses on how we prepare for the day ahead. Jesus said in Matthew 6:34, “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
I read this chapter a week ago and didn’t really digest it. Just read it like it was the nutritional facts on the back of a box of food. Again today, I reread the chapter and oh how it could have helped me during this week. I usually have more on my plate than one can accomplish in one day. I’m not great at organizing which tasks should be done first and second and so on, because they all seem important. So I start to worry about what needs to be completed and calculating the time it will take to complete each task always allowing time for a few interruptions. And then I get in a funk sometimes that I don’t want to complete the task until the very last minute which can be even more worrisome.
For instance, this past Sunday I needed to complete a report for a client, so I procrastinated doing the report until 8 pm that night and then decided to do it in the morning instead. From 8 pm to around 5 am I was up worrying about getting the report done and everything else that needed to be completed that day, too. If I would have just done the report on Sunday, then I wouldn’t have been worrying all night, and tired all day on Monday. I just couldn’t bring myself to do the report on a holiday weekend.
Also, the snooze button vs. just getting up and facing the day is a whole other issue. I believe every time I have gotten up right away the day is always so much better. If I hit the snooze button over and over, then the day just isn’t the same. I hit the snooze button hoping for a little more sleep but it always ends with me not getting anymore sleep and just going over everything I need to complete during the day. The other thing I have realized is if I read and meditate on the Bible in the morning, then I’m a bit different the rest of the day. I don’t really know how to explain it, just different.
I do have to get better about going to the Lord in the morning and at night. I’m still in the training mode. Don’t get me wrong, I want to do these things but they lapse my mind sometimes, because I am so worried about everything else or caught up in my life.
Is it right to put Christ off, no, but do I sometimes, yes. This week was a perfect example, I put him off big time. I was so caught up in work that I put him on the side burner and suffered a great deal. I was making progress and taking steps forward in the prior week and then this week I took some steps back. I had an angry heart about everything. I got an email from someone saying they were praying for me and what was my response. “I truly appreciate it, but honesty I’m not worth it. Your time and energy can be spent elsewhere,” plus some other choice words. And of course, then I dwelled on that the rest of the week, because I felt bad I sent it, they were only trying to help bring it to the Lord. And then, since I have been angry this week, and I can’t really take it out on anyone, I have wanted to cut so bad. I disposed of my last razor two weeks ago, and have been able to restrain myself from doing it. I just don’t know what else to do with all this angry sometimes I have toward others, myself, and the world. I really am getting mad lately over people trying to help. And stuff that is not true and real keeps coming into my mind and this week I let it takeover.
Seriously, I don’t need people to pray for me or take interest in my life. In the end, I’ll bring them down and they will leave as a friend or what not. And then let’s talk about track records, what’s real & true…Every time I have something good going for myself, I always manage to screw it up. I am not beautiful or attractive or worthy of anyone’s love, let’s just count how many boyfriends I have had for proof of this. One of the people at church sent me a song to listen to called “Beautiful” by MercyMe which really set me off. Here is the start of the song which is mainly what I focused on when I listened to it a couple of times.
“Days will come when you don’t have the strength, when all you hear is you’re not worth anything, wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much”
And then I started getting mad at the song when it stated over and over “You’re beautiful”…really??? No I’m 100% sure I’m not but thanks for that!
Alright, so of course these last few paragraphs are wrong per God’s Word but this is what happens to me when I don’t read his Word. Do I appreciate the prayers, yes somewhat (still have a hard time with this). Do I appreciate receiving the song, yes. Does the past dictate the future, no. Do I feel worthy, no, should I yes. Have I started to put a front on again, yes, should I, no.
In the following days, I am going to have to make a conscience effort of getting up (not pressing the snooze button), reading His Word in the morning, and constantly thinking on the truth and not allowing my emotions take hold.
It’s all about going to Him for strength, because I feel so weak and vulnerable right now. I have removed my coping mechanisms, and the emptiness on inside seems like a black hole at times. I wish it could be filled with love, instead. As much as I read the Bible and know God loves me and I should love others. There is no love in my heart or soul. I don’t think I really know what love really is because I don’t feel others love me and I don’t feel I love others. Do I hate, of course not but do I love, I don’t think so.
Yup…several steps backwards…Today is all there is, today is all there is, today is all there is….
This chapter focuses on how we prepare for the day ahead. Jesus said in Matthew 6:34, “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
I read this chapter a week ago and didn’t really digest it. Just read it like it was the nutritional facts on the back of a box of food. Again today, I reread the chapter and oh how it could have helped me during this week. I usually have more on my plate than one can accomplish in one day. I’m not great at organizing which tasks should be done first and second and so on, because they all seem important. So I start to worry about what needs to be completed and calculating the time it will take to complete each task always allowing time for a few interruptions. And then I get in a funk sometimes that I don’t want to complete the task until the very last minute which can be even more worrisome.
For instance, this past Sunday I needed to complete a report for a client, so I procrastinated doing the report until 8 pm that night and then decided to do it in the morning instead. From 8 pm to around 5 am I was up worrying about getting the report done and everything else that needed to be completed that day, too. If I would have just done the report on Sunday, then I wouldn’t have been worrying all night, and tired all day on Monday. I just couldn’t bring myself to do the report on a holiday weekend.
Also, the snooze button vs. just getting up and facing the day is a whole other issue. I believe every time I have gotten up right away the day is always so much better. If I hit the snooze button over and over, then the day just isn’t the same. I hit the snooze button hoping for a little more sleep but it always ends with me not getting anymore sleep and just going over everything I need to complete during the day. The other thing I have realized is if I read and meditate on the Bible in the morning, then I’m a bit different the rest of the day. I don’t really know how to explain it, just different.
I do have to get better about going to the Lord in the morning and at night. I’m still in the training mode. Don’t get me wrong, I want to do these things but they lapse my mind sometimes, because I am so worried about everything else or caught up in my life.
Is it right to put Christ off, no, but do I sometimes, yes. This week was a perfect example, I put him off big time. I was so caught up in work that I put him on the side burner and suffered a great deal. I was making progress and taking steps forward in the prior week and then this week I took some steps back. I had an angry heart about everything. I got an email from someone saying they were praying for me and what was my response. “I truly appreciate it, but honesty I’m not worth it. Your time and energy can be spent elsewhere,” plus some other choice words. And of course, then I dwelled on that the rest of the week, because I felt bad I sent it, they were only trying to help bring it to the Lord. And then, since I have been angry this week, and I can’t really take it out on anyone, I have wanted to cut so bad. I disposed of my last razor two weeks ago, and have been able to restrain myself from doing it. I just don’t know what else to do with all this angry sometimes I have toward others, myself, and the world. I really am getting mad lately over people trying to help. And stuff that is not true and real keeps coming into my mind and this week I let it takeover.
Seriously, I don’t need people to pray for me or take interest in my life. In the end, I’ll bring them down and they will leave as a friend or what not. And then let’s talk about track records, what’s real & true…Every time I have something good going for myself, I always manage to screw it up. I am not beautiful or attractive or worthy of anyone’s love, let’s just count how many boyfriends I have had for proof of this. One of the people at church sent me a song to listen to called “Beautiful” by MercyMe which really set me off. Here is the start of the song which is mainly what I focused on when I listened to it a couple of times.
“Days will come when you don’t have the strength, when all you hear is you’re not worth anything, wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much”
And then I started getting mad at the song when it stated over and over “You’re beautiful”…really??? No I’m 100% sure I’m not but thanks for that!
Alright, so of course these last few paragraphs are wrong per God’s Word but this is what happens to me when I don’t read his Word. Do I appreciate the prayers, yes somewhat (still have a hard time with this). Do I appreciate receiving the song, yes. Does the past dictate the future, no. Do I feel worthy, no, should I yes. Have I started to put a front on again, yes, should I, no.
In the following days, I am going to have to make a conscience effort of getting up (not pressing the snooze button), reading His Word in the morning, and constantly thinking on the truth and not allowing my emotions take hold.
It’s all about going to Him for strength, because I feel so weak and vulnerable right now. I have removed my coping mechanisms, and the emptiness on inside seems like a black hole at times. I wish it could be filled with love, instead. As much as I read the Bible and know God loves me and I should love others. There is no love in my heart or soul. I don’t think I really know what love really is because I don’t feel others love me and I don’t feel I love others. Do I hate, of course not but do I love, I don’t think so.
Yup…several steps backwards…Today is all there is, today is all there is, today is all there is….
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