I know deep down inside I want to break free from this but why can't I do it. The urges are so strong at times and I give in. Am I hopeless? Will this be with me the rest of my life? I have so many dreams and this isn't one of them. I recite His word that He loves me and say over & over 1 Cor. 6:19-20 but the urges seem too strong at times. This body isn't mine, so how can I treat it so badly.
I was doing well. Three weeks had gone by and I was making progress. I disposed of all my blades, I was fighting off the urges that came into my head with scripture verses, but then came today. Nothing crazy happened except the urge to cut was fierce and I gave into Satan (I hate writing that word but if it's not God's way then whose way is it). I used to get these "Helping Hand" blades (nice name huh) but haven't been able to find them in a while. I dislike the ones Publix, Walmart, & Target carry, so I went in search for others. I went to the first store and for the life of me couldn't find any, so then I went to the next store and looked & looked and finally there they were, my favorite brand. Yes I am a sick, pathetic person.
To really do a lot of damage, I was going to go and buy a bottle of wine to kick things off but thankfully resisted those temptations. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to do this? To feel this pain on the outside? I wish I could break free from this and the urges wouldn't even enter my mind.
Long sleeves for a while now...good thing it's cold outside. All the research shows that this is something that occurs in teenagers and people in their early 20's. It's a phase that people grow out of, so why haven't I? I know I can do it but what will I replace it with? Hopefully nothing else hurtful.
I really need to change some of the songs I listen to...lyrics & music can definitely have an impact on my emotions...today's song choices were:
I'm so messed up. I can talk a good game, put on the smiles, be social and laugh when I am out with people but it feels empty. I play the part, then go home and feel disgusted with myself. But really who wants to hang around anyone who is down and out...uh no one!
Day 1 starts again tomorrow...
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