Feelings to Songs

Last night I just wanted to give it all up and just be reckless. Just one night. And what does God do, he puts me in a situation where drinking isn’t the number one priority. Great. Caring for another person, listening & talking with them, and leaving the bar with them after only being there thirty minutes and having one beer. Am I mad I drank? No, because I had only one beer and it proved to me that it’s time to let go and break free from that life. I got to see all the guys and nothing has changed with them but I have. It’s not the life for me anymore. And receiving a phone call from the person an hour after parting ways, and them thanking me for helping them leave was fulfilling. The person didn’t have to do that, because it was just the right thing to do and I would hope if I was in the same situation they would do the same. And I was able to talk with them about changing their life for the better and we talked about God, too. Oh I know, who am I to talk about these things…trust me I know. Everything I said came from the heart and was genuine, and that is all that I can offer.

I realized this week and it really hit home today that I am truly going at this alone, on the human level. I only have God to lead me through this, to always be there, and to turn to in the good & bad times. Nobody else.

Parts of “Dancing in the Minefields” by Andrew Peterson

“But to lose your life for another I’ve heard, is a good place to begin. Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down. And I believe it’s an easy price for the life that we have found.”

"This is harder then we dreamed, but I believe that’s what the promise is for”

“So when I lose my way, find me. And when I lose love’s chain, bind me. At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days, when I forgot name, remind me.”

“Because we bear the light of the son of man. So there’s nothing left to fear. So I’ll walk with you in the shadow lands, till the shadows disappear. Cause he promised not to leave us and his promises are true.”

Most of “In Your Presence” by Chris McClarney

“In Your presence; Is where I want to be; In Your presence; Is where I'm made complete”

“I give You control; I give up my rights; Cause Your ways are higher than mine; With all that I am; With all of my life; 'Cause Your love is sweeter than mine”

“I surrender completely my strengths and my weakness; 'Cause Your ways are higher than mine; I give my life to adore You and offering before; 'Cause Your love is sweeter than mine”

“Narrow Little Road” by Red Mountain Church

“It is the path where the humble go. It is the narrow and not the broad. It is the pathway down the hill to the graveyard to the living God. Oh I will leave this road for the narrow.”

“Ten Thousand” by John Mark McMillan

“World I’ve overcome you, world”

“My Own Little World” by Matthew West

“In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population: me

I throw a twenty in the plate, but I never give ’til it hurts

Father break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
and put Your Light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me
What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a better purpose
That I could be living right now
Well I know there's a bigger picture
and I don't wanna miss it now
Well I know there's a plan and a purpose
That I could be living right now”

Most of the songs I’ve been listening to lately seem to have one common theme to give Him 100% control, lay your life down, surrender all. For me to surrender completely to the Holy One who I cannot see, because He has a plan & purpose for me. This is such a hard feat, to give up the things of the world for Him and trust He has my best interests and intentions. I’m not sure if I’m there yet. But if I can’t give up all of the things of the world then as Scripture says, “the love of the Father is not in him.” And that is absolutely heartbreaking. I have faith that I can give up the things of the world but what I am struggling with is giving up my dreams. Yes, my dreams that revolve around population one. On one hand, I have had some of them for so long and to give them up to follow the path of God just doesn’t seem right or logical. On the other hand, I have been searching and yearning and knowing there was plan and purpose for my life that I couldn’t dream of and decide on my own. And I keep going back to these lyrics, “Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down.”

And tonight I am staring at one of the pictures in my kitchen of an Absolute bottle in a jail cell with a ski mask on and a noose over the neck of the bottle. And there goes the hanging of a past life, being choked to death, and never being brought back to life.

From “Many Roads” by Andrew Peterson

“You can see the roads that we all traveled to just get here. A million minuscule decisions in a line. Why they brought us to this moment isn’t clear but that’s alright, we’ve got all night. Well, could it be that the many roads you took to get here were just for me to tell this story and for you to hear this song and your many hopes and your many fears were meant to bring you here all along.”

God has brought me to this place and there is no turning back now. I know He will be with me throughout my life but when I stand before Him in His kingdom I want to know I followed Him where He led me. And I don’t have a clue what I am supposed to do with this life. Stay in accounting and in Naples for the rest of my life just doesn’t seem like that’s it. Or work 9 months and volunteer 3 months, so I can have my cake and eat it too. And then is it selfish if I decide to travel for half of the 3 months and only volunteer for six weeks. Or am I supposed to give it all up to do something else [no clue what]… I pray God will show me where He wants me to follow Him.

All I know is that I am more confused than ever and all I can do is pray for clarity and guidance.

The Forbidden "M" Word

I have not found anywhere in the Bible that specifically says masturbation is a sin. Masturbation aside, what leads a person to this state of arousal? Unfortunately, I’m going to have to go with sinful actions/thoughts. If you can honestly say that the actions that lead up to masturbation are not sinful, then it’s not a sin…but if the actions are sinful then the result must be sinful too. These actions may be having lustful thoughts, sexual stimulation, and/or viewing pornographic materials.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have had urges, and sometimes I acted on them while other times I did not. I started having urges when I was in elementary school, and I didn’t really understand what they were until I was older. I also will admit that every time I acted on them it was due to one of the above actions. I was introduced to explicit stories when I was in middle school from some high school friends. I thought it was normal and there was nothing wrong with it. As I long as I didn’t have sex with a guy, everything else was okay. But is this what God says is right, no? 1 Thessalonians 4:2-8 says, “For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.”

Sexual immorality. Not in lustful passion. Impurity. Am I still pure in the sense that I have not engaged in sexual intercourse with a man, yes. On the other hand, am I still pure by acting on lustful thoughts and allowing fantasies to play out in my mind, no. For was it not Jesus who said having lust in the heart was just as sinful as committing adultery (Matthew 5:28-29).

If a person can masturbate without using sinful materials or having sinful thoughts, then I do not believe it is sin. God forbids several sexual acts from fornication (Acts 15:29) to having sex with animals (Exodus 22:19) to having sex with prostitutes (1 Cor. 6:15), so why is there no mention of masturbation in the bible, then? I think because it is not a sin as long as the motivations/urges to masturbate are not sinful in nature. 1 Corinthians 4:6 says, “Now these things, brethren, I have figuratively applied to myself and Apollos for your sakes, so that in us you may learn not to exceed what is written, so that no one of you will become arrogant in behalf of one against the other.” I interpret this verse as saying when people are trying to lead others to Christ they must use His Word as Rule without adding things that are not found in it.

Today I listened to a Q&A lecture session by Beth Moore and Christy Nockels from a Living Proof live event back in 2006. One of the questions asked was, is masturbation bondage or healthy, and how do we break free from it? Below are some of the excerpts from the answer (I paraphrased in parts, so it’s definitely not word for word):

“We’ll just self gratify and then when we get married then we’ll have our husband for that. Unfortunately, it is still two different things. If we’re thinking that’s just what we’re going to do and then when we start having sex with our husband then that’s going to take that up and I won’t have to self gratify anymore. That’s not true. It still stays as its own separate thing. It’s a fantasy life now that has had multiple partners and we think then we’re going to think about one guy for the rest of our lives. There is nothing about it that builds into healthy sexuality. It’s as addictive as any drug/cigarette that you could take/smoke.”

“Our culture keeps our carnal appetite in arousal.”

“The enemy is trying to vastly decrease the step between temptation and participation. Temptation is never a sin. It’s not will we let it run through our minds, it’s whether we will let it sit down and make it home for a little while. We’ll still continue to watch an R rated movie and then we’re gonna go to bed and expect not to be in a state of arousal. We’re setting ourselves up for failure because of stuff we’re reading, watching, and talking about.”

“Don’t expose yourself to that because you’re awaking it. We’ve got ourselves in such a state of arousal there is a need to release it. You are either going to give way to it or get up & do something else.”

I really thought the example about the R rated movie was very true and practical in today’s society. You can’t tell me that if you watch Original Sin, Unfaithful, Eyes Wide Shut, Kissing Jessica Stein (for the confused), and pretty much any movie with Angelina Jolie (and her usual hot co-star) you do not experience some sort of arousal. Then let’s not even get into the state of arousal a woman and man can experience while dancing with one another at a club (and of course then having to restrain their selves from acting on any of the urges they have experienced). And finally pornographic material, there is nothing good that can come from it other than self-gratification (which is not of God).

A verse I came across today for the first time, where I actually took the time to read it and meditate on it was 1 Peter 4:1-2. “Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.” I think this passage is absolutely perfect when you dig deep into it!!! If I am truly of Christ, then I will suffer in the flesh just as He did. When I have the urges of the flesh and want to act sinfully, I must resist these temptations. It may be painful but again remember that pain is just part of bearing the cross. I can apply this verse to so many areas of my life but one definite area is refraining from masturbation.

If you haven’t read 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, then you definitely should! It talks about how the body is the Lord’s and not yours. This section has really shined a light on how consuming alcohol and self-injury are not good for the body God has given me (and a lot of others things). Below is one of the verses from the section that I feel relates to this topic.

1 Corinthians 6:18 - "Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body."

Thoughts and His Word

Chapter 2

The chapter begins with a prayer from the author that the reader is grasping the importance of training your thoughts to think on what is true and real. I’ve been going to biblical counseling for the past three weeks in order to help look at areas in my life and then turn to scripture for guidance. During the 2nd and 3rd weeks we focused on training my thoughts and asking several questions when something starts to creep in my mind. Honestly, I was thinking it was pretty dumb which was Satan telling me to continue to do it his way instead of God’s way. And what does God do, he has a friend suggest a book that starts off with “training your thoughts.” Man, God is good. I keep resisting and He keeps reaffirming this is the way…and to TRUST IN HIM. So maybe it is not dumb after all, and I need to take this seriously & there is something to it. Continuing to rebuke the bad, negative thoughts is never ending. The thoughts come in a moment’s notice and I’m starting to recognize them and cast them away, instead of dwelling on them and/or allowing Satan’s downward spiral effect occur. Temptations are all around, from magazines to movies to menu items to internet sites to internal urges, and when they come that switch is starting to flip and I am acknowledging that it’s a temptation vs. just the norm. I am so use to doing everything that is in the world which is not of God. A verse I love that reminds me of this is 1 John 2:15-16, “Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.” Absolute Truth.

Replacing the non-truths with scripture is hard when you don’t know scripture by heart. You have to search for what He says and it takes time, which can either distract the mind or discourage the mind & conclude God has nothing to say about this. This is so untrue, since the Bible covers all aspects of a person’s life. But it can be very frustrating, too. I must persevere, as the Bible says. This is why I always have to fall back on James 4:17, if I get that feeling that this isn’t right, then it’s not God’s way & I must refrain from it. Even if I can’t find a specific passage that addresses the situation I am in, James 4:17 covers it all, at least for me. Tomorrow I will most likely be saying this verse over and over as nighttime hits and the devil comes out to play. I am going to have many temptations to go out and have a sinful time….yup James 4:17!

The two areas I am still struggling with, which were discussed in this chapter, are after you confess your sins to God not feeling forgiven and not thinking God could really forgive me for this. Per Elizabeth George, “When I do this, I am allowing my feelings to take precedence over the rock-solid, doctrinal truth of the forgiveness of sins available to us through Christ.” And “I’m allowing my thoughts to take precedence over the Word of God.” Isn’t that the truth! And the truth can be found in scripture too, 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I have to stop right there, and think on that and not allow my mind to wander.

Part of Elizabeth George’s study was to think on the value of God’s Word. I do believe in the inspiration and inerrancy of Scripture. From Genesis to Revelation, everything was inspired by God and is the Truth…bottomline. As I continue to read Scripture, of course, I am going to have questions about the verses and I may not understand exactly what I am reading. With God’s grace He will help me to understand by surrounding me with people who know His Word, are a wealth of knowledge, and radiant how a person is able to walk in His path. Plus, 2 Timothy 3:16 clearly states the ALL Scripture is inspired by God, and profitable in life.

A verse to meditate on…how the price for our sins and redemption was the pure blood of Christ Jesus (wow! doesn’t that just make you want to bow down and thank HIM) 1 Peter 1:18-19 – “knowing that you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers but with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ.”

Truths Revealed

Chapter 1

I am starting a study through the book called Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George which was suggested by a new church friend.

The biggest thing I got out of this chapter is how God wants/commands me to only think on the things that are true. If I continue to dwell on the negative thoughts that enter my mind, then I am not fully useful to God. When Elizabeth George said, “One Key to loving God with all your mind is choosing not to dwell on the past or unpleasant memories.” That right there is going to be the biggest challenge. I analyze my past on a daily basis, every wrong thing I have done. I’m not sure why, since I can’t change it but nonetheless I do it.

Elizabeth posed the question in her study guide, what have you been struggling with in your personal life, either currently or at some time in the past?

Oh, where to begin…my past mistakes/dreams/continuous thoughts about…creating some distance between a couple of friends, resisting going out at night to the bars/clubs, feeling terrible for all of the lies I have told people over the years which stems from middle school and some have just been elaborated/expanded on over the years, having hatred toward the people who forced me to go to therapy - even though I knew they only wanted me to get well, that wasn't the way - given I just told stories and found amusement in how far I could make people believe such nonsense (yup more lies - awful), hating my body/being obese, self injuring myself, disgust for wanting to inflict intense pain on myself, yearning to remember some of the good times in my past and annoyed I don’t, resisting the urges to hit/poke/pinch my mother, refraining from cussing, being angry at my mother for the choices she made in her life, being angry that my divorced parents act like they’re married, guilty for never going to meet my half sister or her children when they are part blood and live in Naples, hating my father for not being compassionate, hating my father for not being there when my mother needed him during her cancer, hating my father for treating me like a boy instead of girl growing up and me feeling like I had to act like a boy to be loved by him (I know he was disappointed when he saw I was a girl), sad that I feel he loves my cousin (who is male) more than me, concerned that I have dreams of my parents dying, ashamed I partook in stealing thousands of dollars in merchandise with teammates for pure rush of danger/enjoyment, regret for hitting my dogs when they did something wrong when they were younger - they didn't know better & they feared me from then on, furious with myself for telling the one lie that had a domino effect on my soccer life from middle school to college, disgusted I was inappropriately touched and kissed by a girl when I was in elementary or middle school (it’s a bit hazy what exact year) and going along with it because I didn’t understand these actions weren’t acceptable – and feeling ashamed I never told anyone about it, embarrassed for having a dream during childhood that feels like a reality but having to believe it is a dream about my father or another grown up coming into my sleeping bag when I was sleeping in the living room as a child and doing inappropriate things…and if it was only a dream feeling ashamed for having it, sad that I don’t coach soccer anymore, irritated that there is something else I should be doing but I don’t have a clue what it is, having no motivation to clean my house and then getting annoyed when things aren’t clean, feeling ashamed/guilty at church because I feel like a fraud there (trying to keep a front so people may like me instead of hate me if they knew my past transgressions), frustrated because I am so behind on reading God’s Word, confused as to what God wants me to do with the life he has given me, disgusted at myself because I have dreams of being raped - because I think it is the only way I will ever have sex or feel wanted (which really equals used), angry at myself for taking/consuming drugs multiple times throughout my life (marijuana, oxy, cocaine) – those dreams of joining the FBI are down the drain, aggravated that I have a DUI on my record – how can a person be so stupid, mortified that I like to read sex stories – I was introduced to them when I was in middle school by one of the seniors in high school and from then on I have read them (I can’t help myself – it’s a way to feel loved in a fantasy setting since my reality life is nonexistent when it comes to being acknowledged by a guy – other than “just friends”), wishing I knew what it felt like to die without actually dying – I don’t understand how a person can take their life, I have tried a couple of times and by the Grace of God chickened out every time – I just want to know what kind of mindset a person has to be in to take their own life – my grandmother committed suicide leaving my grandfather, uncle, and mother behind – what caused her to get to that point – also some of her siblings even committed suicide – I just want to know, guilty for being selfish and wasting my first 29 years on meaningless stuff, cheating on tests in grade school and college, hating myself for who I have become, annoyed that I can’t get rid of the triggers in my house and desperately wanting to, afraid that God will never break me free from all of the above items. So there it is 100% of my secrets are out there for the world (the lies are way too many to list out. If by some slim chance a person I know is reading this and wants to know if something I told them was true or false you can email me at drust@dsrliving.com – I’m done telling lies, I want to continue to shine in the light)

Just so we are clear I do love my parents and family. There are areas that I have hated about them but love has always outweighed the hatred. I'm blessed to have them as my parents.

The only victory I have seen is that I have been able to open up to a couple of people which has given me the courage to write this. I want to be free from a these holds on my life which are paralyzing me from growing and living life. People may think less of me after they read this (but really how many people are going to read it) and that is okay. I have to live with it and move on. I have to keep my focus on the Lord, because he is the only person that matters. Everyone can drop me as a friend, and that’s fine because I still have God. And He is the only one who matters. Through reading His Word lately I have felt the need to confess everything and get it out in the open, in order to repent and heal and begin to dig deeper into His Word. My life is changing and everything above is part of my past life and I am thankful God has shined the light on me. By no means has it been easy, and it is going to be an uphill battle for a while but it is worth it. “Grace, mercy, and peace will be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.” – 2 John 1:3 – simply awesome! Saying all of the above is great but actions speak louder than words. “Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.” – 1 John 3:18 or take James 1:22, “But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.”

And my deepest yearning now can be found in the lyrics of “Knowing You”:

“Now my heart’s desire is to know you more, To be found in you, and known as yours, To possess by faith what I could not earn, All surpassing gift of righteousness, Knowing you, Jesus knowing you, There is no greater thing”

Man there is still a lot more of Chapter 1 to go…The chapter really examines Philippians 4:8 which says “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Then it goes on to say in verse 9, “The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Of the eight virtues mentioned in verse 8, I would have to say each one is significant but the first one is most important, "whatever is true." My favorite is “whatever is right” due to one of my favorite verses being James 4:17, “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do but does not do it, to him it is sin.” The one I admire most in others is honorable. For the command in this verse is to let your mind dwell on what is true or real. In order for that to happen they are going to have to be boundaries set. When the bad thoughts come rushing in, I’m going to have to make a conscience effort to separate the truths and non-truths, and all non-truths have to be tossed over the border. By filtering out the negative and untrue thoughts which enter my mind, I will be more productive for God and a better use to Him.

There are so many great passages in Philippians 4, look at verse 6 & 7, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests by made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” How perfect is that!!! Every time I read His Word, I get a rush of excitement and joy. For example, I have heard verse 6 many times in church but reading/writing it just now, brought a smile to my face and I just got really energized inside.

Three key practices from the chapter were memorizing, meditating, and applying God’s Word. I have been working on this for some time but not diligently. I am going to have to make an effort to do this. I already have a list of verses which I want to memorize but haven’t yet. And so it starts…

A verse to meditate on today, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.” – Matthew 7:21

The Healing Has Begun

Below are most of the lyrics from Matthew West’s song “The Healing Has Begun”:

You have carried the weight of your secret for way too long
Thinking if there is a place called forgiveness you don't belong
Oh, but freedom can never be found behind those walls
So just let 'em fall
Just let 'em fall

How long has it been since you've felt anything but shame
Child, lift up your eyes cause mercy remembers your name
And those tears you've been holding back
Let 'em fall like rain
Cause today is the day
Yeah today is the day

There's a world full of people dying from broken hearts
Holding on to their guilt thinking they fell too far
So don't be afraid to show them your beautiful scars
Cause they're the proof
Yeah, you're the proof

Oh, the healing has begun

Hallelujah
Yeah
Hallelujah

I almost started crying after hearing this song. I have truly carried a lot of secrets around for a long time thinking I shouldn’t be forgiven for them. I felt ashamed, not worthy of forgiveness and some weren’t even my own sins, they were my family’s sins. Thinking I am far too screwed up to be fixed, to be renewed, and to correct the direction I have been traveling on for so long. I know the journey is going to be hard and it is not going to be a quick fix, even though that is what I would like. The healing has truly begun, on the outside and the inside. As I peel back the onion, piece by piece, repenting of my sins and changing direction, I may stumble but I have to keep my eyes focused on the Lord.

Showing my scars isn’t an easy task, to some extent. If someone came up to me and asked about my arm and they were an adult, yes I would tell them. It’s not a problem; however, would I divulge that I still struggle with this and are just more conscience of where I do it, ab-so-lute-ly not! A not so easy task would be telling people I have lied to their face and have told stories, because it was easier to tell stories, then to tell the truth. This one is going to be so hard to refrain from. I have had to catch myself in the past few weeks when asked a question, so I wouldn’t lie. It comes so natural, it’s like second nature. The term “beautiful scars” seems, so backwards when you just say the words. How can scars be beautiful? But when I think about how the healer of the scars is God, and everything he touches is good, then I can’t help but think that they’re beautiful in his eyes. And if the scars are beautiful in his eyes, then it is only right that they are beautiful in my eyes.

Today is a very good day…HALLELUJAH!!! (I just had to say that)

Staying in the Light

It is amazing how God works and makes it known what He wants. A week ago I started about a 2 and 1/2 year Bible study in order for me to really learn God's Word and grasp it. I am continuing to read the Old Testament like I have been but am going to read the New Testament at the same time. This is in addition to scripture readings from books I'm reading through the church. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Due to the fact that as I read, God is shedding light on areas in my life that are not good, productive, or worthy of His praise. Areas in my life that do not honor Him. Hopefully, through the process He'll shed some light on how He wants me to live my life for Him and not selfishly for me. This is really hard...to surrender everything to him. To hand it all over to Him, instead of saying here you can have my car but I'm going to keep the battery for safe keeping.

The study I'm going to do is reading about 7 chapters each day over and over for thirty days and then moving on to another seven chapters. Also, alternating from a small book to a larger book. To start with, I'm reading 1st ,2nd ,& 3rd John for 30 days. Each day just reading it and meditating on it. Just after the first day, God opened up a can of worms in my heart and mind. I was aware of most of my sins but He showed me the rest. There were ones I was trying to justify, and think of them as an issue and not a sin. Every little thing I had done wrong was exposed and I had to acknowledge it. I'm starting to have to deal with the sins in my life, confess them and repent of them. As he started shining light on them and making me talk out loud about them and not lie, oh man was it hard. And of course my knee jerk reaction was to want to go back to the darkness and try to hide from my sins. Do a complete lockdown. Honestly, this first week was absolutely heart wrenching. Second guessing everything, not knowing what to do with my emotions, trying to go back to scripture to stay focused. Then, I opened up to two people at church and confessed about three quarters of my sins. I wish I could have said everything but I already felt sick to my stomach for saying as much as I did. Some of the things I told them about my life, no other person even knows. My closest friends don't even have a clue. Plus, I've tired to be open with everyone about my struggles to want to go out and drink with my friends.

I started to rethink all of this after I confessed my struggles & sins to them and just wanted to turn back and go into the darkness. However, one of the people gave me a link to Dr. Tony Evans's broadcasts and guess what the first talk was about 1 John 1. And Dr. Evans was blunt, to the point about chapter 1 and being in the light with God. Below are some statements/paraphrases from his broadcast that really stood out to me (I replaced the we's with me's):

“He is exposing me to me. He is letting me see things about me that I didn’t think were there. He is letting me experience things that are revealing things in my heart that have now come out of my mouth. He’s revealing and I don’t like what I can see, I have a choice: I can run to the darkness and say it didn’t happen…not real. Or I can remain in the light of the exposure and confess. So to confess something is to agree with God about what He says it is.”

"The moment I call it anything but what God calls it I am going into my own room[, the darkness]."

"The moment you reduce it, you don’t have to deal with it like God says deal with it."

“God shows me something that I have done that is not consistent with His character based on the light that He shines on me and I agree with Him that it is sin. When I agree and confess my sin, he forgives the sin through the blood of Jesus Christ. Repentance is deeper. Repentance comes when there needs to be a change of direction. It means to reverse course. Repentance happens because there has been a pattern established. Confession is needed when there has not been a pattern established but an action corrected."

“As soon as you get tired of running, I am in the room you left”


Just as I was about to give up and turn back, God reminded me that this is the path I am suppose to be on and reading 1 John is where I need to begin. Another thing that came out of this broadcast was that I need to repent not just confess. "Your repentance must be as notorious as the confession of your sins." (from Saturday night's sermon @ FBCN) I have had a ten year plus span of accumulating bad habits and now a new course needs to be created in a different direction. Also, the last statement was perfect...He has been waiting for me to come to Him for years, just waiting for me to get tired of running from Him/resisting Him. At the same time, He has been by my side every time I have called out His name in the past. He is such a graceful God, to not give up on me and continue to wait.

I love everything in 1 John 1. Everything is black and white. There is no mistaking what John is trying to tell the people. "If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." - 1 John 1:6-7

Some of my bad habits (sins) are going to be easy to correct and I won't have to go down that path again. Others I will need daily prayer for a while. And every time the urges start to creep in, and I want to go take refuge in the darkness, I'm going to have to resist and pray to God for help. I am such a weak person. Cutting was bad this week Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. The worst was on Saturday, I went to church and then bible study (so one would think all good right, NO!). Afterwards I got to the car and the urges were too great. And had to do it...and if that wasn't enough I still wasn't calmed down by the time I got to the restaurant, so I had to finish up in the bathroom there. Thankfully, this was my last blade, so no more easy access. On Sunday, I relistened to Dr. Evans broadcast which reiterated to me how I ran back into the darkness on Saturday. NO MORE!!!!!

God please help me break free of self injury and treat the body you gave me as the holy object it is meant to be.

Lego World Introduction

I LOVE LEGOS!!!!!!

There it is I am an adult who is still in love with building Lego models and creating my own. I have to say it's an expensive hobby and very time consuming. I have had to back off from spending some nights building in the last six months due to work and church activities. I have this dream one day to own a warehouse or small home that is just for my Legos. All of my sets could be constructed, instead as it stands I can only have a select few constructed in my house. It would be wonderful! A giant city resting between mountains...and on the other side of the mountains would be a shift in time to medieval/castle era and on the other side Harry Potter. Then there would be an ocean and as you get far away you would see an island that houses the pirates. Oh it would be an awesome scene...moving through time and all emcompassed on one layout. Well, I don't think this dream will be fulfilled for some time (possibly ten years).

You're probably not interested but below are some links to listings & photos I have taken of some of the lego models I have built and of my own creations:

• detail of my own creations
• random pictures
• listing of all my sets

My greatest creation was a church I built from scratch. It is absolutely amazing! It took about two days to create on the computer (similar to AutoCad) and then another entire day to build(eight plus hours). I found so much joy in building this piece, and the sense of accomplishment when it was completed, was just simply perfect. You should really check it out: My City Cathedral.