Truths Revealed

Chapter 1

I am starting a study through the book called Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George which was suggested by a new church friend.

The biggest thing I got out of this chapter is how God wants/commands me to only think on the things that are true. If I continue to dwell on the negative thoughts that enter my mind, then I am not fully useful to God. When Elizabeth George said, “One Key to loving God with all your mind is choosing not to dwell on the past or unpleasant memories.” That right there is going to be the biggest challenge. I analyze my past on a daily basis, every wrong thing I have done. I’m not sure why, since I can’t change it but nonetheless I do it.

Elizabeth posed the question in her study guide, what have you been struggling with in your personal life, either currently or at some time in the past?

Oh, where to begin…my past mistakes/dreams/continuous thoughts about…creating some distance between a couple of friends, resisting going out at night to the bars/clubs, feeling terrible for all of the lies I have told people over the years which stems from middle school and some have just been elaborated/expanded on over the years, having hatred toward the people who forced me to go to therapy - even though I knew they only wanted me to get well, that wasn't the way - given I just told stories and found amusement in how far I could make people believe such nonsense (yup more lies - awful), hating my body/being obese, self injuring myself, disgust for wanting to inflict intense pain on myself, yearning to remember some of the good times in my past and annoyed I don’t, resisting the urges to hit/poke/pinch my mother, refraining from cussing, being angry at my mother for the choices she made in her life, being angry that my divorced parents act like they’re married, guilty for never going to meet my half sister or her children when they are part blood and live in Naples, hating my father for not being compassionate, hating my father for not being there when my mother needed him during her cancer, hating my father for treating me like a boy instead of girl growing up and me feeling like I had to act like a boy to be loved by him (I know he was disappointed when he saw I was a girl), sad that I feel he loves my cousin (who is male) more than me, concerned that I have dreams of my parents dying, ashamed I partook in stealing thousands of dollars in merchandise with teammates for pure rush of danger/enjoyment, regret for hitting my dogs when they did something wrong when they were younger - they didn't know better & they feared me from then on, furious with myself for telling the one lie that had a domino effect on my soccer life from middle school to college, disgusted I was inappropriately touched and kissed by a girl when I was in elementary or middle school (it’s a bit hazy what exact year) and going along with it because I didn’t understand these actions weren’t acceptable – and feeling ashamed I never told anyone about it, embarrassed for having a dream during childhood that feels like a reality but having to believe it is a dream about my father or another grown up coming into my sleeping bag when I was sleeping in the living room as a child and doing inappropriate things…and if it was only a dream feeling ashamed for having it, sad that I don’t coach soccer anymore, irritated that there is something else I should be doing but I don’t have a clue what it is, having no motivation to clean my house and then getting annoyed when things aren’t clean, feeling ashamed/guilty at church because I feel like a fraud there (trying to keep a front so people may like me instead of hate me if they knew my past transgressions), frustrated because I am so behind on reading God’s Word, confused as to what God wants me to do with the life he has given me, disgusted at myself because I have dreams of being raped - because I think it is the only way I will ever have sex or feel wanted (which really equals used), angry at myself for taking/consuming drugs multiple times throughout my life (marijuana, oxy, cocaine) – those dreams of joining the FBI are down the drain, aggravated that I have a DUI on my record – how can a person be so stupid, mortified that I like to read sex stories – I was introduced to them when I was in middle school by one of the seniors in high school and from then on I have read them (I can’t help myself – it’s a way to feel loved in a fantasy setting since my reality life is nonexistent when it comes to being acknowledged by a guy – other than “just friends”), wishing I knew what it felt like to die without actually dying – I don’t understand how a person can take their life, I have tried a couple of times and by the Grace of God chickened out every time – I just want to know what kind of mindset a person has to be in to take their own life – my grandmother committed suicide leaving my grandfather, uncle, and mother behind – what caused her to get to that point – also some of her siblings even committed suicide – I just want to know, guilty for being selfish and wasting my first 29 years on meaningless stuff, cheating on tests in grade school and college, hating myself for who I have become, annoyed that I can’t get rid of the triggers in my house and desperately wanting to, afraid that God will never break me free from all of the above items. So there it is 100% of my secrets are out there for the world (the lies are way too many to list out. If by some slim chance a person I know is reading this and wants to know if something I told them was true or false you can email me at drust@dsrliving.com – I’m done telling lies, I want to continue to shine in the light)

Just so we are clear I do love my parents and family. There are areas that I have hated about them but love has always outweighed the hatred. I'm blessed to have them as my parents.

The only victory I have seen is that I have been able to open up to a couple of people which has given me the courage to write this. I want to be free from a these holds on my life which are paralyzing me from growing and living life. People may think less of me after they read this (but really how many people are going to read it) and that is okay. I have to live with it and move on. I have to keep my focus on the Lord, because he is the only person that matters. Everyone can drop me as a friend, and that’s fine because I still have God. And He is the only one who matters. Through reading His Word lately I have felt the need to confess everything and get it out in the open, in order to repent and heal and begin to dig deeper into His Word. My life is changing and everything above is part of my past life and I am thankful God has shined the light on me. By no means has it been easy, and it is going to be an uphill battle for a while but it is worth it. “Grace, mercy, and peace will be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.” – 2 John 1:3 – simply awesome! Saying all of the above is great but actions speak louder than words. “Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.” – 1 John 3:18 or take James 1:22, “But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.”

And my deepest yearning now can be found in the lyrics of “Knowing You”:

“Now my heart’s desire is to know you more, To be found in you, and known as yours, To possess by faith what I could not earn, All surpassing gift of righteousness, Knowing you, Jesus knowing you, There is no greater thing”

Man there is still a lot more of Chapter 1 to go…The chapter really examines Philippians 4:8 which says “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Then it goes on to say in verse 9, “The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Of the eight virtues mentioned in verse 8, I would have to say each one is significant but the first one is most important, "whatever is true." My favorite is “whatever is right” due to one of my favorite verses being James 4:17, “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do but does not do it, to him it is sin.” The one I admire most in others is honorable. For the command in this verse is to let your mind dwell on what is true or real. In order for that to happen they are going to have to be boundaries set. When the bad thoughts come rushing in, I’m going to have to make a conscience effort to separate the truths and non-truths, and all non-truths have to be tossed over the border. By filtering out the negative and untrue thoughts which enter my mind, I will be more productive for God and a better use to Him.

There are so many great passages in Philippians 4, look at verse 6 & 7, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests by made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” How perfect is that!!! Every time I read His Word, I get a rush of excitement and joy. For example, I have heard verse 6 many times in church but reading/writing it just now, brought a smile to my face and I just got really energized inside.

Three key practices from the chapter were memorizing, meditating, and applying God’s Word. I have been working on this for some time but not diligently. I am going to have to make an effort to do this. I already have a list of verses which I want to memorize but haven’t yet. And so it starts…

A verse to meditate on today, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.” – Matthew 7:21