Feelings to Songs

Last night I just wanted to give it all up and just be reckless. Just one night. And what does God do, he puts me in a situation where drinking isn’t the number one priority. Great. Caring for another person, listening & talking with them, and leaving the bar with them after only being there thirty minutes and having one beer. Am I mad I drank? No, because I had only one beer and it proved to me that it’s time to let go and break free from that life. I got to see all the guys and nothing has changed with them but I have. It’s not the life for me anymore. And receiving a phone call from the person an hour after parting ways, and them thanking me for helping them leave was fulfilling. The person didn’t have to do that, because it was just the right thing to do and I would hope if I was in the same situation they would do the same. And I was able to talk with them about changing their life for the better and we talked about God, too. Oh I know, who am I to talk about these things…trust me I know. Everything I said came from the heart and was genuine, and that is all that I can offer.

I realized this week and it really hit home today that I am truly going at this alone, on the human level. I only have God to lead me through this, to always be there, and to turn to in the good & bad times. Nobody else.

Parts of “Dancing in the Minefields” by Andrew Peterson

“But to lose your life for another I’ve heard, is a good place to begin. Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down. And I believe it’s an easy price for the life that we have found.”

"This is harder then we dreamed, but I believe that’s what the promise is for”

“So when I lose my way, find me. And when I lose love’s chain, bind me. At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days, when I forgot name, remind me.”

“Because we bear the light of the son of man. So there’s nothing left to fear. So I’ll walk with you in the shadow lands, till the shadows disappear. Cause he promised not to leave us and his promises are true.”

Most of “In Your Presence” by Chris McClarney

“In Your presence; Is where I want to be; In Your presence; Is where I'm made complete”

“I give You control; I give up my rights; Cause Your ways are higher than mine; With all that I am; With all of my life; 'Cause Your love is sweeter than mine”

“I surrender completely my strengths and my weakness; 'Cause Your ways are higher than mine; I give my life to adore You and offering before; 'Cause Your love is sweeter than mine”

“Narrow Little Road” by Red Mountain Church

“It is the path where the humble go. It is the narrow and not the broad. It is the pathway down the hill to the graveyard to the living God. Oh I will leave this road for the narrow.”

“Ten Thousand” by John Mark McMillan

“World I’ve overcome you, world”

“My Own Little World” by Matthew West

“In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population: me

I throw a twenty in the plate, but I never give ’til it hurts

Father break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
and put Your Light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me
What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a better purpose
That I could be living right now
Well I know there's a bigger picture
and I don't wanna miss it now
Well I know there's a plan and a purpose
That I could be living right now”

Most of the songs I’ve been listening to lately seem to have one common theme to give Him 100% control, lay your life down, surrender all. For me to surrender completely to the Holy One who I cannot see, because He has a plan & purpose for me. This is such a hard feat, to give up the things of the world for Him and trust He has my best interests and intentions. I’m not sure if I’m there yet. But if I can’t give up all of the things of the world then as Scripture says, “the love of the Father is not in him.” And that is absolutely heartbreaking. I have faith that I can give up the things of the world but what I am struggling with is giving up my dreams. Yes, my dreams that revolve around population one. On one hand, I have had some of them for so long and to give them up to follow the path of God just doesn’t seem right or logical. On the other hand, I have been searching and yearning and knowing there was plan and purpose for my life that I couldn’t dream of and decide on my own. And I keep going back to these lyrics, “Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down.”

And tonight I am staring at one of the pictures in my kitchen of an Absolute bottle in a jail cell with a ski mask on and a noose over the neck of the bottle. And there goes the hanging of a past life, being choked to death, and never being brought back to life.

From “Many Roads” by Andrew Peterson

“You can see the roads that we all traveled to just get here. A million minuscule decisions in a line. Why they brought us to this moment isn’t clear but that’s alright, we’ve got all night. Well, could it be that the many roads you took to get here were just for me to tell this story and for you to hear this song and your many hopes and your many fears were meant to bring you here all along.”

God has brought me to this place and there is no turning back now. I know He will be with me throughout my life but when I stand before Him in His kingdom I want to know I followed Him where He led me. And I don’t have a clue what I am supposed to do with this life. Stay in accounting and in Naples for the rest of my life just doesn’t seem like that’s it. Or work 9 months and volunteer 3 months, so I can have my cake and eat it too. And then is it selfish if I decide to travel for half of the 3 months and only volunteer for six weeks. Or am I supposed to give it all up to do something else [no clue what]… I pray God will show me where He wants me to follow Him.

All I know is that I am more confused than ever and all I can do is pray for clarity and guidance.