It is amazing how God works and makes it known what He wants. A week ago I started about a 2 and 1/2 year Bible study in order for me to really learn God's Word and grasp it. I am continuing to read the Old Testament like I have been but am going to read the New Testament at the same time. This is in addition to scripture readings from books I'm reading through the church. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Due to the fact that as I read, God is shedding light on areas in my life that are not good, productive, or worthy of His praise. Areas in my life that do not honor Him. Hopefully, through the process He'll shed some light on how He wants me to live my life for Him and not selfishly for me. This is really hard...to surrender everything to him. To hand it all over to Him, instead of saying here you can have my car but I'm going to keep the battery for safe keeping.
The study I'm going to do is reading about 7 chapters each day over and over for thirty days and then moving on to another seven chapters. Also, alternating from a small book to a larger book. To start with, I'm reading 1st ,2nd ,& 3rd John for 30 days. Each day just reading it and meditating on it. Just after the first day, God opened up a can of worms in my heart and mind. I was aware of most of my sins but He showed me the rest. There were ones I was trying to justify, and think of them as an issue and not a sin. Every little thing I had done wrong was exposed and I had to acknowledge it. I'm starting to have to deal with the sins in my life, confess them and repent of them. As he started shining light on them and making me talk out loud about them and not lie, oh man was it hard. And of course my knee jerk reaction was to want to go back to the darkness and try to hide from my sins. Do a complete lockdown. Honestly, this first week was absolutely heart wrenching. Second guessing everything, not knowing what to do with my emotions, trying to go back to scripture to stay focused. Then, I opened up to two people at church and confessed about three quarters of my sins. I wish I could have said everything but I already felt sick to my stomach for saying as much as I did. Some of the things I told them about my life, no other person even knows. My closest friends don't even have a clue. Plus, I've tired to be open with everyone about my struggles to want to go out and drink with my friends.
I started to rethink all of this after I confessed my struggles & sins to them and just wanted to turn back and go into the darkness. However, one of the people gave me a link to Dr. Tony Evans's broadcasts and guess what the first talk was about 1 John 1. And Dr. Evans was blunt, to the point about chapter 1 and being in the light with God. Below are some statements/paraphrases from his broadcast that really stood out to me (I replaced the we's with me's):
“He is exposing me to me. He is letting me see things about me that I didn’t think were there. He is letting me experience things that are revealing things in my heart that have now come out of my mouth. He’s revealing and I don’t like what I can see, I have a choice: I can run to the darkness and say it didn’t happen…not real. Or I can remain in the light of the exposure and confess. So to confess something is to agree with God about what He says it is.”
"The moment I call it anything but what God calls it I am going into my own room[, the darkness]."
"The moment you reduce it, you don’t have to deal with it like God says deal with it."
“God shows me something that I have done that is not consistent with His character based on the light that He shines on me and I agree with Him that it is sin. When I agree and confess my sin, he forgives the sin through the blood of Jesus Christ. Repentance is deeper. Repentance comes when there needs to be a change of direction. It means to reverse course. Repentance happens because there has been a pattern established. Confession is needed when there has not been a pattern established but an action corrected."
“As soon as you get tired of running, I am in the room you left”
Just as I was about to give up and turn back, God reminded me that this is the path I am suppose to be on and reading 1 John is where I need to begin. Another thing that came out of this broadcast was that I need to repent not just confess. "Your repentance must be as notorious as the confession of your sins." (from Saturday night's sermon @ FBCN) I have had a ten year plus span of accumulating bad habits and now a new course needs to be created in a different direction. Also, the last statement was perfect...He has been waiting for me to come to Him for years, just waiting for me to get tired of running from Him/resisting Him. At the same time, He has been by my side every time I have called out His name in the past. He is such a graceful God, to not give up on me and continue to wait.
I love everything in 1 John 1. Everything is black and white. There is no mistaking what John is trying to tell the people. "If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." - 1 John 1:6-7
Some of my bad habits (sins) are going to be easy to correct and I won't have to go down that path again. Others I will need daily prayer for a while. And every time the urges start to creep in, and I want to go take refuge in the darkness, I'm going to have to resist and pray to God for help. I am such a weak person. Cutting was bad this week Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. The worst was on Saturday, I went to church and then bible study (so one would think all good right, NO!). Afterwards I got to the car and the urges were too great. And had to do it...and if that wasn't enough I still wasn't calmed down by the time I got to the restaurant, so I had to finish up in the bathroom there. Thankfully, this was my last blade, so no more easy access. On Sunday, I relistened to Dr. Evans broadcast which reiterated to me how I ran back into the darkness on Saturday. NO MORE!!!!!
God please help me break free of self injury and treat the body you gave me as the holy object it is meant to be.
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