Want to feel. Feel what it's like to be loved. Feel what it's like to be in love. Feel what it's like to have true friends. Feel what it's like to have purpose in life. Feel what it's like to grow and be a woman. Feel what it's like to not live in shame, guilt, anger.
Instead I feel nothing to the above except shame for having to keep my secrets to myself, guilt for not telling anyone, and anger because no one cares to know.
People have come and gone in my ife but have never stayed. I'm too much of a screw up. Plus, why would you want to be friends with someone who never gets better, who tries and fails time after time. Who wants to be free but doesn't know how. Who can become anybody to not let a person know who they are. I've done it for years.
People thought I had sex at a early age, yeah right. Who would like me? Also, if someone did I would never have let them in. Of course I experimented with minor things to know what it would be like but never did I and have I made love to a man.
Then there is the issue of my memory. Why can't I remember my childhood? Some say it has to do with a trauma I can't relive. Some say molestation while others don't have an answer. I don't have an answer but I want one. I want to know about my childhood.
Did I and do I cut myself to feel the pain I have inside? Yes. Mostly only now when I get very stressed, otherwise I can handle any thoughts I have by exercise or playing soccer or volunteering. But when the stress gets high, there's no such release better than a slice and the blood flowing freely. Do I want to stop...yes. I have it under control and it doesn't hurt anyone. No one is the wiser. Given people have tried to help and have failed, they don't want to or deserve going down that path with me again. This is one that I have to turn to God for help with because no human or book can help.
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