Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda...

Chapter 5

Back in chapter one I reflected on every past experience I have had that was shameful, embarrassing, and/or I regretted. In this chapter the author really focuses on the past and present. Since I wrote everything down in Chapter 1, I have felt absolute freedom. I have kept so many secrets and held onto so many regrets, that it has suffocated me. This chapter really made me realize there is a reason for everything and God has played a part in all of it. God knows everything and my life was mapped out before I was even born. He knew it would take some time for me to find Him, to truly find Him and commit myself to Him. He had me stumble through the first 29 years of my life for a reason. I may not understand it now but nonetheless He mapped out my life from the beginning. It was like a light bulb going off for me. When it comes to knowing the Bible and Scripture, I think I’m so behind and if only I had started sooner but that’s not what God wanted for me.

The biggest past regret is lying. For one, it was like an alternate life and having to keep all the stories straight was time consuming and draining. Also, I never let people know the real me, instead they knew this made up person. I can’t change the lies I told in the past but the present I can definitely do something about that.

By thinking about how God played a part in my past, I can see how He helped me through rough patches and also how He blessed me. God had a hand in making sure I didn’t die the night I overdosed. I wasn’t breathing and if someone wasn’t there to punch my chest, I wouldn’t be here right now. He made sure I didn’t go home, and that I was found in time.

And then He blessed my life by allowing my mother to survive through her cancer. Doctors said she would be dead in less than a year, but God knew I couldn’t have survived without her. She’s my best friend and He knew that I would need a person in my life that I could turn to in the good and bad times. A person who would always be there for me, and she was it. She may have her faults but who doesn’t? There has only been one perfect person on this earth and that was Jesus Christ himself.

One of the verses referenced in this chapter was Psalms 139:16, “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.” And there you have it. He has been with me since the beginning, and everything was planned out. By looking at it from this point of view, I can shed the layers of regret and remorse that have been there for years. The best part is that just as He was with me in the past, he is with me in the present. For Psalms 73:23 says, “Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.”

Now in the present, through prayer and biblical decision-making I will base my life. I will seek His counsel now and in the future. I will not dwell on my dreams but take action of what I can do now in the present. I will stop thinking about how this isn’t the way my life was supposed to be. Why? It’s not worth it and I my life is supposed to be this way, for God planned it that way. I can’t continue to not deal with circumstances in my life or deny parts of my life, because I don’t like them. This is the way it is, so if I want something else I must take action and change. And that change must happen in accordance with His Word. I cannot continue to postpone, dream about it, or dwell on the past.

2 Timothy 1:9 says, “who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity.” I am not sure what my holy calling is but I do know it’s according to His purpose not my purpose. And the only way to figure out what it is, is by prayer, prayer, and more PRAYER.