Another year has gone by and from a traveling standpoint, this was by far one of the least exciting years I have had in a long time. I pretty much worked most of the year and didn’t take too many days off to travel and/or enjoy life.
The year started off running head first into busy season at work. I went from one client to another each week. I was able to travel a couple of the weeks for business, Chicago and St. Pete Beach. In Chicago, we ate at some local restaurants and I was able to shop the first night I got there, which is always a highlight in my book. I made sure to stop by the Lego Store and check out all the new collections for the year. Of course I didn’t leave the store empty handed!
As busy season for work was coming to an end, I was gearing up for some much needed travel. Right before my trips started, I purchased one of the best items ever created…an iPad!!! Yes, I was one of the people standing in line at Apple the day it came out with 3G on April 30th. Oh, I must mention I was the first one in line (thanks mom for helping make that happen). A week later with the iPad in hand, I was off to London to visit my dear friend Danielle Murphy. I was only there for four days but we made sure to jam as much as possible in that four day weekend. If you would like to see fabulous pictures and read more about the trip, check out my blog entry at:
http://dsrliving.blogspot.com/2010/05/trip-to-london-was-absolutely-fabulous.html
I had a couple weeks in town to recoup and then it was off to Iowa to visit relatives and celebrate Memorial Day. It was a weekend filled with stories, laughs, eating, gathering, cards, and of course trips to the cemetery…Love it! The rest of the year was filled with tons of work, church and some day trips.
Over the past several years I have wanted to start attending church regularly, reading God’s word, and separating myself from the night life scene. There was always something standing in the way it seemed (mostly soccer)…well not this year. Since April, I have been attending First Baptist Church of Naples. Even though I was christened as a child, I decided to be baptized in the Gulf this summer on July 25th. Since then, I have been reading God’s word daily, going to weekly church services, and attending different groups/ministries in the church. It’s been a tough second half of the year though, as I have confronted my vices and I am in the process of changing, healing, and moving forward. I believe this was an essential step I needed to take in order to walk and live a life for God and not myself or for others. As Andrew Peterson wrote in one of his songs, “The only way to find your life is to lay your own life down.” Isn’t that the truth…well, it has definitely been a life changing year!
After working so much I have decided to take three months off next summer to go on a dream trip I have had for several years to the Middle East area (Turkey, Syria, Israel, Jordan, & Egypt) for half of the time and then volunteer the remainder of the time. Needless to say, I am ready for 2010 to be over and looking forward to the adventures of 2011!
“Grace, mercy, and peace will be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.” – 2 John 1:3
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
When Will It Stop
I know deep down inside I want to break free from this but why can't I do it. The urges are so strong at times and I give in. Am I hopeless? Will this be with me the rest of my life? I have so many dreams and this isn't one of them. I recite His word that He loves me and say over & over 1 Cor. 6:19-20 but the urges seem too strong at times. This body isn't mine, so how can I treat it so badly.
I was doing well. Three weeks had gone by and I was making progress. I disposed of all my blades, I was fighting off the urges that came into my head with scripture verses, but then came today. Nothing crazy happened except the urge to cut was fierce and I gave into Satan (I hate writing that word but if it's not God's way then whose way is it). I used to get these "Helping Hand" blades (nice name huh) but haven't been able to find them in a while. I dislike the ones Publix, Walmart, & Target carry, so I went in search for others. I went to the first store and for the life of me couldn't find any, so then I went to the next store and looked & looked and finally there they were, my favorite brand. Yes I am a sick, pathetic person.
To really do a lot of damage, I was going to go and buy a bottle of wine to kick things off but thankfully resisted those temptations. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to do this? To feel this pain on the outside? I wish I could break free from this and the urges wouldn't even enter my mind.
Long sleeves for a while now...good thing it's cold outside. All the research shows that this is something that occurs in teenagers and people in their early 20's. It's a phase that people grow out of, so why haven't I? I know I can do it but what will I replace it with? Hopefully nothing else hurtful.
I really need to change some of the songs I listen to...lyrics & music can definitely have an impact on my emotions...today's song choices were:
I'm so messed up. I can talk a good game, put on the smiles, be social and laugh when I am out with people but it feels empty. I play the part, then go home and feel disgusted with myself. But really who wants to hang around anyone who is down and out...uh no one!
Day 1 starts again tomorrow...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Morning Routine
Chapter 7
This chapter focuses on how we prepare for the day ahead. Jesus said in Matthew 6:34, “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
I read this chapter a week ago and didn’t really digest it. Just read it like it was the nutritional facts on the back of a box of food. Again today, I reread the chapter and oh how it could have helped me during this week. I usually have more on my plate than one can accomplish in one day. I’m not great at organizing which tasks should be done first and second and so on, because they all seem important. So I start to worry about what needs to be completed and calculating the time it will take to complete each task always allowing time for a few interruptions. And then I get in a funk sometimes that I don’t want to complete the task until the very last minute which can be even more worrisome.
For instance, this past Sunday I needed to complete a report for a client, so I procrastinated doing the report until 8 pm that night and then decided to do it in the morning instead. From 8 pm to around 5 am I was up worrying about getting the report done and everything else that needed to be completed that day, too. If I would have just done the report on Sunday, then I wouldn’t have been worrying all night, and tired all day on Monday. I just couldn’t bring myself to do the report on a holiday weekend.
Also, the snooze button vs. just getting up and facing the day is a whole other issue. I believe every time I have gotten up right away the day is always so much better. If I hit the snooze button over and over, then the day just isn’t the same. I hit the snooze button hoping for a little more sleep but it always ends with me not getting anymore sleep and just going over everything I need to complete during the day. The other thing I have realized is if I read and meditate on the Bible in the morning, then I’m a bit different the rest of the day. I don’t really know how to explain it, just different.
I do have to get better about going to the Lord in the morning and at night. I’m still in the training mode. Don’t get me wrong, I want to do these things but they lapse my mind sometimes, because I am so worried about everything else or caught up in my life.
Is it right to put Christ off, no, but do I sometimes, yes. This week was a perfect example, I put him off big time. I was so caught up in work that I put him on the side burner and suffered a great deal. I was making progress and taking steps forward in the prior week and then this week I took some steps back. I had an angry heart about everything. I got an email from someone saying they were praying for me and what was my response. “I truly appreciate it, but honesty I’m not worth it. Your time and energy can be spent elsewhere,” plus some other choice words. And of course, then I dwelled on that the rest of the week, because I felt bad I sent it, they were only trying to help bring it to the Lord. And then, since I have been angry this week, and I can’t really take it out on anyone, I have wanted to cut so bad. I disposed of my last razor two weeks ago, and have been able to restrain myself from doing it. I just don’t know what else to do with all this angry sometimes I have toward others, myself, and the world. I really am getting mad lately over people trying to help. And stuff that is not true and real keeps coming into my mind and this week I let it takeover.
Seriously, I don’t need people to pray for me or take interest in my life. In the end, I’ll bring them down and they will leave as a friend or what not. And then let’s talk about track records, what’s real & true…Every time I have something good going for myself, I always manage to screw it up. I am not beautiful or attractive or worthy of anyone’s love, let’s just count how many boyfriends I have had for proof of this. One of the people at church sent me a song to listen to called “Beautiful” by MercyMe which really set me off. Here is the start of the song which is mainly what I focused on when I listened to it a couple of times.
“Days will come when you don’t have the strength, when all you hear is you’re not worth anything, wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much”
And then I started getting mad at the song when it stated over and over “You’re beautiful”…really??? No I’m 100% sure I’m not but thanks for that!
Alright, so of course these last few paragraphs are wrong per God’s Word but this is what happens to me when I don’t read his Word. Do I appreciate the prayers, yes somewhat (still have a hard time with this). Do I appreciate receiving the song, yes. Does the past dictate the future, no. Do I feel worthy, no, should I yes. Have I started to put a front on again, yes, should I, no.
In the following days, I am going to have to make a conscience effort of getting up (not pressing the snooze button), reading His Word in the morning, and constantly thinking on the truth and not allowing my emotions take hold.
It’s all about going to Him for strength, because I feel so weak and vulnerable right now. I have removed my coping mechanisms, and the emptiness on inside seems like a black hole at times. I wish it could be filled with love, instead. As much as I read the Bible and know God loves me and I should love others. There is no love in my heart or soul. I don’t think I really know what love really is because I don’t feel others love me and I don’t feel I love others. Do I hate, of course not but do I love, I don’t think so.
Yup…several steps backwards…Today is all there is, today is all there is, today is all there is….
This chapter focuses on how we prepare for the day ahead. Jesus said in Matthew 6:34, “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
I read this chapter a week ago and didn’t really digest it. Just read it like it was the nutritional facts on the back of a box of food. Again today, I reread the chapter and oh how it could have helped me during this week. I usually have more on my plate than one can accomplish in one day. I’m not great at organizing which tasks should be done first and second and so on, because they all seem important. So I start to worry about what needs to be completed and calculating the time it will take to complete each task always allowing time for a few interruptions. And then I get in a funk sometimes that I don’t want to complete the task until the very last minute which can be even more worrisome.
For instance, this past Sunday I needed to complete a report for a client, so I procrastinated doing the report until 8 pm that night and then decided to do it in the morning instead. From 8 pm to around 5 am I was up worrying about getting the report done and everything else that needed to be completed that day, too. If I would have just done the report on Sunday, then I wouldn’t have been worrying all night, and tired all day on Monday. I just couldn’t bring myself to do the report on a holiday weekend.
Also, the snooze button vs. just getting up and facing the day is a whole other issue. I believe every time I have gotten up right away the day is always so much better. If I hit the snooze button over and over, then the day just isn’t the same. I hit the snooze button hoping for a little more sleep but it always ends with me not getting anymore sleep and just going over everything I need to complete during the day. The other thing I have realized is if I read and meditate on the Bible in the morning, then I’m a bit different the rest of the day. I don’t really know how to explain it, just different.
I do have to get better about going to the Lord in the morning and at night. I’m still in the training mode. Don’t get me wrong, I want to do these things but they lapse my mind sometimes, because I am so worried about everything else or caught up in my life.
Is it right to put Christ off, no, but do I sometimes, yes. This week was a perfect example, I put him off big time. I was so caught up in work that I put him on the side burner and suffered a great deal. I was making progress and taking steps forward in the prior week and then this week I took some steps back. I had an angry heart about everything. I got an email from someone saying they were praying for me and what was my response. “I truly appreciate it, but honesty I’m not worth it. Your time and energy can be spent elsewhere,” plus some other choice words. And of course, then I dwelled on that the rest of the week, because I felt bad I sent it, they were only trying to help bring it to the Lord. And then, since I have been angry this week, and I can’t really take it out on anyone, I have wanted to cut so bad. I disposed of my last razor two weeks ago, and have been able to restrain myself from doing it. I just don’t know what else to do with all this angry sometimes I have toward others, myself, and the world. I really am getting mad lately over people trying to help. And stuff that is not true and real keeps coming into my mind and this week I let it takeover.
Seriously, I don’t need people to pray for me or take interest in my life. In the end, I’ll bring them down and they will leave as a friend or what not. And then let’s talk about track records, what’s real & true…Every time I have something good going for myself, I always manage to screw it up. I am not beautiful or attractive or worthy of anyone’s love, let’s just count how many boyfriends I have had for proof of this. One of the people at church sent me a song to listen to called “Beautiful” by MercyMe which really set me off. Here is the start of the song which is mainly what I focused on when I listened to it a couple of times.
“Days will come when you don’t have the strength, when all you hear is you’re not worth anything, wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much”
And then I started getting mad at the song when it stated over and over “You’re beautiful”…really??? No I’m 100% sure I’m not but thanks for that!
Alright, so of course these last few paragraphs are wrong per God’s Word but this is what happens to me when I don’t read his Word. Do I appreciate the prayers, yes somewhat (still have a hard time with this). Do I appreciate receiving the song, yes. Does the past dictate the future, no. Do I feel worthy, no, should I yes. Have I started to put a front on again, yes, should I, no.
In the following days, I am going to have to make a conscience effort of getting up (not pressing the snooze button), reading His Word in the morning, and constantly thinking on the truth and not allowing my emotions take hold.
It’s all about going to Him for strength, because I feel so weak and vulnerable right now. I have removed my coping mechanisms, and the emptiness on inside seems like a black hole at times. I wish it could be filled with love, instead. As much as I read the Bible and know God loves me and I should love others. There is no love in my heart or soul. I don’t think I really know what love really is because I don’t feel others love me and I don’t feel I love others. Do I hate, of course not but do I love, I don’t think so.
Yup…several steps backwards…Today is all there is, today is all there is, today is all there is….
Sunday, November 28, 2010
A Command...
Chapter 6
The author talks about how to take every thought captive and only think on what is true and real which is based off of Paul’s command in Philippians 4:8. In the previous chapters, I believe the author was just trying to have the reader recognize all the thoughts that go through their mind that are not real and true. In this past week, I have seen myself starting to filter as thoughts come in and cast out all the thoughts that are not real and true. It’s really tough though! By instinct I just want to start overanalyzing past events and dwell on the future. If I go back to the verse and take what Paul says as a command, then I must follow it otherwise I’ll be sinning. I am currently reading 1 John everyday for a month and its crazy how he makes everything very black and white. Either you follow and do it this way, as the Lord says, or you’re sinning. There’s no grey area. If I see it in that way, then either I dismiss what is in my mind that is not real and true or I am sinning by thinking on the unreal and false thoughts. Of course thoughts are going to enter my mind that are unreal and not true but it’s my responsibility now to capture these thoughts and dismiss them. If I don’t, I must reiterate this, then I’m sinning.
The other part of the chapter is acknowledging the benefits that come from only focusing on what is real and true. I know in the past when I have been in good spirits and not dwelling on the things I cannot change and focusing on the present, I seemed to be more productive, be less stressful, and have more energy. I have to retrain myself though from the mindset, to be all of those things for God’s purpose. In the past, it has been for my purpose not His.
It’s amazing how everything a person needs to have a productive, fruitful, successful life can be found in His Word. I have been so selfish during my first 29 years of life with everything being about my needs and desires not others or God. I am so thankful that He made sure the Bible was written and lasted through the ages in order for a person to know how to live life. Every day I turn to Scripture and focus on His word, on what is true and real. And I’m just amazed how He is such an all-knowing, gracious, but also a jealous God. I’m getting excited just writing this…He is where I can turn for any and everything and He always has an answer (of course it may not be obvious at first).
The author talks about how to take every thought captive and only think on what is true and real which is based off of Paul’s command in Philippians 4:8. In the previous chapters, I believe the author was just trying to have the reader recognize all the thoughts that go through their mind that are not real and true. In this past week, I have seen myself starting to filter as thoughts come in and cast out all the thoughts that are not real and true. It’s really tough though! By instinct I just want to start overanalyzing past events and dwell on the future. If I go back to the verse and take what Paul says as a command, then I must follow it otherwise I’ll be sinning. I am currently reading 1 John everyday for a month and its crazy how he makes everything very black and white. Either you follow and do it this way, as the Lord says, or you’re sinning. There’s no grey area. If I see it in that way, then either I dismiss what is in my mind that is not real and true or I am sinning by thinking on the unreal and false thoughts. Of course thoughts are going to enter my mind that are unreal and not true but it’s my responsibility now to capture these thoughts and dismiss them. If I don’t, I must reiterate this, then I’m sinning.
The other part of the chapter is acknowledging the benefits that come from only focusing on what is real and true. I know in the past when I have been in good spirits and not dwelling on the things I cannot change and focusing on the present, I seemed to be more productive, be less stressful, and have more energy. I have to retrain myself though from the mindset, to be all of those things for God’s purpose. In the past, it has been for my purpose not His.
It’s amazing how everything a person needs to have a productive, fruitful, successful life can be found in His Word. I have been so selfish during my first 29 years of life with everything being about my needs and desires not others or God. I am so thankful that He made sure the Bible was written and lasted through the ages in order for a person to know how to live life. Every day I turn to Scripture and focus on His word, on what is true and real. And I’m just amazed how He is such an all-knowing, gracious, but also a jealous God. I’m getting excited just writing this…He is where I can turn for any and everything and He always has an answer (of course it may not be obvious at first).
Friday, November 26, 2010
Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda...
Chapter 5
Back in chapter one I reflected on every past experience I have had that was shameful, embarrassing, and/or I regretted. In this chapter the author really focuses on the past and present. Since I wrote everything down in Chapter 1, I have felt absolute freedom. I have kept so many secrets and held onto so many regrets, that it has suffocated me. This chapter really made me realize there is a reason for everything and God has played a part in all of it. God knows everything and my life was mapped out before I was even born. He knew it would take some time for me to find Him, to truly find Him and commit myself to Him. He had me stumble through the first 29 years of my life for a reason. I may not understand it now but nonetheless He mapped out my life from the beginning. It was like a light bulb going off for me. When it comes to knowing the Bible and Scripture, I think I’m so behind and if only I had started sooner but that’s not what God wanted for me.
The biggest past regret is lying. For one, it was like an alternate life and having to keep all the stories straight was time consuming and draining. Also, I never let people know the real me, instead they knew this made up person. I can’t change the lies I told in the past but the present I can definitely do something about that.
By thinking about how God played a part in my past, I can see how He helped me through rough patches and also how He blessed me. God had a hand in making sure I didn’t die the night I overdosed. I wasn’t breathing and if someone wasn’t there to punch my chest, I wouldn’t be here right now. He made sure I didn’t go home, and that I was found in time.
And then He blessed my life by allowing my mother to survive through her cancer. Doctors said she would be dead in less than a year, but God knew I couldn’t have survived without her. She’s my best friend and He knew that I would need a person in my life that I could turn to in the good and bad times. A person who would always be there for me, and she was it. She may have her faults but who doesn’t? There has only been one perfect person on this earth and that was Jesus Christ himself.
One of the verses referenced in this chapter was Psalms 139:16, “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.” And there you have it. He has been with me since the beginning, and everything was planned out. By looking at it from this point of view, I can shed the layers of regret and remorse that have been there for years. The best part is that just as He was with me in the past, he is with me in the present. For Psalms 73:23 says, “Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.”
Now in the present, through prayer and biblical decision-making I will base my life. I will seek His counsel now and in the future. I will not dwell on my dreams but take action of what I can do now in the present. I will stop thinking about how this isn’t the way my life was supposed to be. Why? It’s not worth it and I my life is supposed to be this way, for God planned it that way. I can’t continue to not deal with circumstances in my life or deny parts of my life, because I don’t like them. This is the way it is, so if I want something else I must take action and change. And that change must happen in accordance with His Word. I cannot continue to postpone, dream about it, or dwell on the past.
2 Timothy 1:9 says, “who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity.” I am not sure what my holy calling is but I do know it’s according to His purpose not my purpose. And the only way to figure out what it is, is by prayer, prayer, and more PRAYER.
Back in chapter one I reflected on every past experience I have had that was shameful, embarrassing, and/or I regretted. In this chapter the author really focuses on the past and present. Since I wrote everything down in Chapter 1, I have felt absolute freedom. I have kept so many secrets and held onto so many regrets, that it has suffocated me. This chapter really made me realize there is a reason for everything and God has played a part in all of it. God knows everything and my life was mapped out before I was even born. He knew it would take some time for me to find Him, to truly find Him and commit myself to Him. He had me stumble through the first 29 years of my life for a reason. I may not understand it now but nonetheless He mapped out my life from the beginning. It was like a light bulb going off for me. When it comes to knowing the Bible and Scripture, I think I’m so behind and if only I had started sooner but that’s not what God wanted for me.
The biggest past regret is lying. For one, it was like an alternate life and having to keep all the stories straight was time consuming and draining. Also, I never let people know the real me, instead they knew this made up person. I can’t change the lies I told in the past but the present I can definitely do something about that.
By thinking about how God played a part in my past, I can see how He helped me through rough patches and also how He blessed me. God had a hand in making sure I didn’t die the night I overdosed. I wasn’t breathing and if someone wasn’t there to punch my chest, I wouldn’t be here right now. He made sure I didn’t go home, and that I was found in time.
And then He blessed my life by allowing my mother to survive through her cancer. Doctors said she would be dead in less than a year, but God knew I couldn’t have survived without her. She’s my best friend and He knew that I would need a person in my life that I could turn to in the good and bad times. A person who would always be there for me, and she was it. She may have her faults but who doesn’t? There has only been one perfect person on this earth and that was Jesus Christ himself.
One of the verses referenced in this chapter was Psalms 139:16, “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.” And there you have it. He has been with me since the beginning, and everything was planned out. By looking at it from this point of view, I can shed the layers of regret and remorse that have been there for years. The best part is that just as He was with me in the past, he is with me in the present. For Psalms 73:23 says, “Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.”
Now in the present, through prayer and biblical decision-making I will base my life. I will seek His counsel now and in the future. I will not dwell on my dreams but take action of what I can do now in the present. I will stop thinking about how this isn’t the way my life was supposed to be. Why? It’s not worth it and I my life is supposed to be this way, for God planned it that way. I can’t continue to not deal with circumstances in my life or deny parts of my life, because I don’t like them. This is the way it is, so if I want something else I must take action and change. And that change must happen in accordance with His Word. I cannot continue to postpone, dream about it, or dwell on the past.
2 Timothy 1:9 says, “who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity.” I am not sure what my holy calling is but I do know it’s according to His purpose not my purpose. And the only way to figure out what it is, is by prayer, prayer, and more PRAYER.
What If...
Chapter 4
As I read each chapter, all I can do, usually in the first paragraph, is think “I do that all the time!” So this chapter had to deal with thinking/dwelling on the future. None of us know the future, so why do we think about it so much then. I believe society and the way a person is raised is the biggest factors. Not sure about you, but my parents would always say to me, “Well, when you grow up…” or “think about your future…” And then in society, it’s all about saving for the future and planning out your life. Of course I believe everyone should have a plan for their life but they also can’t allow their wants/desires to come before God’s purpose for their life. This is what I am struggling with right now and all kinds of “What if…” statements flood my mind. As I continue dwelling on these statements days, weeks, & months pass by and I have not accomplished anything for Him. Here are a few of the “What if” statements which range from God’s plans to my fears of the future.
A few weeks back I was reading the Bible and came across a verse that is perfect for only focusing on the present but for the life of me I can’t find it. The jest of what it said was no one knows when they are going to die and all a person has is today. Similar to the “seize the day” philosophy. When I read it, I just had to stop, take it in, and see the ultimate truth beyond it. Here is a similar verse (but doesn’t pack the same punch as the other one), Ecclesiastes 8:7, “If no one knows what will happen, who can tell him when it will happen?” Isn’t that the truth, no one can predict the future, so why then dwell on it. The future is in God’s hands not ours. God created everything and there is a reason He made it so no person is able to predict the future.
For Ecclesiastes 7:14 says, “In the day of prosperity be happy, But in the day of adversity consider – God has made the one as well as the other So that man will not discover anything that will be after him.” Everything God sets forth has a purpose, I may not know what that is but I do know He Knows all. And through Him I can do anything. If the future calls for some kind of adversity in my life, so be it. I have to have faith that He will lead me through it and I will come out of it a stronger person. Below are a couple of verses I have to come back to when I don’t think I will be able to handle what life has in store for me and I start to think about the future.
As I read each chapter, all I can do, usually in the first paragraph, is think “I do that all the time!” So this chapter had to deal with thinking/dwelling on the future. None of us know the future, so why do we think about it so much then. I believe society and the way a person is raised is the biggest factors. Not sure about you, but my parents would always say to me, “Well, when you grow up…” or “think about your future…” And then in society, it’s all about saving for the future and planning out your life. Of course I believe everyone should have a plan for their life but they also can’t allow their wants/desires to come before God’s purpose for their life. This is what I am struggling with right now and all kinds of “What if…” statements flood my mind. As I continue dwelling on these statements days, weeks, & months pass by and I have not accomplished anything for Him. Here are a few of the “What if” statements which range from God’s plans to my fears of the future.
- What if I only do good works and there is no discipleship/teaching/spreading God’s Word attached to the works? Will it be discounted when I stand before Him?
- What if what I think He wants me to do is not what really what He wants and it’s really what I want?
- What if I waste this life by just going through the motions?
- What if my parents die tomorrow, will I be able to continue living and be productive?
- What if I am single for the rest of my life? And then if I am, is it alright for me to adopt a child or have a child on my own? And raise that child with only one parent? (I firmly believe that a child needs a father and mother, so this goes against everything I believe.
- What if I get desperate, will my desires to have a child outweigh my stand on a child being raised by two parents?)
- What if I never travel to the countries I want to go to?
- What if I go through this life and never experience true friendship? Friendship like my mother has with so many people. I envy that part of her life and wish I had those kinds of friendships. I just fear that I’m going to end up like my father who has lived his life and has no lasting friendships and doesn’t keep in touch with anyone.
- What if I should be doing something else with my life? How do I know?
- What if I don’t accomplish my dreams and goals?
- What if I die tomorrow, will anyone remember me a year from now?
- What if I fail God?
- What if I gain all the material items but never experience joy, love, and peace of mind?
- What if I get cancer like my mother and I am not as strong to survive through it?
A few weeks back I was reading the Bible and came across a verse that is perfect for only focusing on the present but for the life of me I can’t find it. The jest of what it said was no one knows when they are going to die and all a person has is today. Similar to the “seize the day” philosophy. When I read it, I just had to stop, take it in, and see the ultimate truth beyond it. Here is a similar verse (but doesn’t pack the same punch as the other one), Ecclesiastes 8:7, “If no one knows what will happen, who can tell him when it will happen?” Isn’t that the truth, no one can predict the future, so why then dwell on it. The future is in God’s hands not ours. God created everything and there is a reason He made it so no person is able to predict the future.
For Ecclesiastes 7:14 says, “In the day of prosperity be happy, But in the day of adversity consider – God has made the one as well as the other So that man will not discover anything that will be after him.” Everything God sets forth has a purpose, I may not know what that is but I do know He Knows all. And through Him I can do anything. If the future calls for some kind of adversity in my life, so be it. I have to have faith that He will lead me through it and I will come out of it a stronger person. Below are a couple of verses I have to come back to when I don’t think I will be able to handle what life has in store for me and I start to think about the future.
Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:19, “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:28 – “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
Update: I found the verse about not knowing our future...James 4:14-15, "Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.'"
Communicating with Others
Chapter 3
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Have I ever over analyzed what another person said and what they really meant? Or tried to read between the lines? Or wondered why a person never responded to my voice message, text message, or email? Of course! I do it all the time!! What did she mean by that or did I say something wrong for them not to respond. I can make up the most imaginative explanations for a person’s actions and “what if scenarios”. I even analyze myself…maybe I should have said this or that and then they would have responded differently. All of this takes up a lot of wasted time that could be put to good use somewhere else. The author uses 1 Corinthians 13 as a guideline for taking everything at face value. I could seriously decrease half of my wandering thoughts and made up scenarios by not speculating on what a person says or doesn’t say. I have to remember to belief what a person says and to not think there is anything wrong. If the person thinks there is something wrong, then they have to come to me, instead of me speculating there is something wrong. Believing what a person says is a very hard thing to do, because so many people lie. I’ve lied most of my life to any and everyone, from my parents to friends to colleagues to bosses to coaches. It’s hard to change my mindset to believe people are honest and when they tell me something it is the truth. The part in the passage, “does not take into account a wrong suffered,” is my biggest weakness. If someone has wronged me in the past, then why should I believe him this time. Well, how about because the Bible says so, God says so.
The other issue I sometimes have is I like to get another person’s perspective on the issue. I suppose one may call that gossiping. If I think a person has lied to my face or told me a story, instead of going to that person, I usually go and get someone else’s take on the issue. This is also true if I know it vs. think it. Jesus says in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private.” Jesus doesn’t say go and tell everyone and then confront the person.
Usually I know when I have offended someone with my speech or behavior, because there is a nagging feeling in my stomach. If I get this feeling, instead of analyzing what the other person thinks or doesn’t think. I just need to return to that person and apologize for my actions.
It all comes back to thinking on what is real and true, and not going any further with the thoughts. No more second-guessing!
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Have I ever over analyzed what another person said and what they really meant? Or tried to read between the lines? Or wondered why a person never responded to my voice message, text message, or email? Of course! I do it all the time!! What did she mean by that or did I say something wrong for them not to respond. I can make up the most imaginative explanations for a person’s actions and “what if scenarios”. I even analyze myself…maybe I should have said this or that and then they would have responded differently. All of this takes up a lot of wasted time that could be put to good use somewhere else. The author uses 1 Corinthians 13 as a guideline for taking everything at face value. I could seriously decrease half of my wandering thoughts and made up scenarios by not speculating on what a person says or doesn’t say. I have to remember to belief what a person says and to not think there is anything wrong. If the person thinks there is something wrong, then they have to come to me, instead of me speculating there is something wrong. Believing what a person says is a very hard thing to do, because so many people lie. I’ve lied most of my life to any and everyone, from my parents to friends to colleagues to bosses to coaches. It’s hard to change my mindset to believe people are honest and when they tell me something it is the truth. The part in the passage, “does not take into account a wrong suffered,” is my biggest weakness. If someone has wronged me in the past, then why should I believe him this time. Well, how about because the Bible says so, God says so.
The other issue I sometimes have is I like to get another person’s perspective on the issue. I suppose one may call that gossiping. If I think a person has lied to my face or told me a story, instead of going to that person, I usually go and get someone else’s take on the issue. This is also true if I know it vs. think it. Jesus says in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private.” Jesus doesn’t say go and tell everyone and then confront the person.
Usually I know when I have offended someone with my speech or behavior, because there is a nagging feeling in my stomach. If I get this feeling, instead of analyzing what the other person thinks or doesn’t think. I just need to return to that person and apologize for my actions.
It all comes back to thinking on what is real and true, and not going any further with the thoughts. No more second-guessing!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Feelings to Songs
Last night I just wanted to give it all up and just be reckless. Just one night. And what does God do, he puts me in a situation where drinking isn’t the number one priority. Great. Caring for another person, listening & talking with them, and leaving the bar with them after only being there thirty minutes and having one beer. Am I mad I drank? No, because I had only one beer and it proved to me that it’s time to let go and break free from that life. I got to see all the guys and nothing has changed with them but I have. It’s not the life for me anymore. And receiving a phone call from the person an hour after parting ways, and them thanking me for helping them leave was fulfilling. The person didn’t have to do that, because it was just the right thing to do and I would hope if I was in the same situation they would do the same. And I was able to talk with them about changing their life for the better and we talked about God, too. Oh I know, who am I to talk about these things…trust me I know. Everything I said came from the heart and was genuine, and that is all that I can offer.
I realized this week and it really hit home today that I am truly going at this alone, on the human level. I only have God to lead me through this, to always be there, and to turn to in the good & bad times. Nobody else.
Parts of “Dancing in the Minefields” by Andrew Peterson
Most of “In Your Presence” by Chris McClarney
“Narrow Little Road” by Red Mountain Church
“Ten Thousand” by John Mark McMillan
“My Own Little World” by Matthew West
Most of the songs I’ve been listening to lately seem to have one common theme to give Him 100% control, lay your life down, surrender all. For me to surrender completely to the Holy One who I cannot see, because He has a plan & purpose for me. This is such a hard feat, to give up the things of the world for Him and trust He has my best interests and intentions. I’m not sure if I’m there yet. But if I can’t give up all of the things of the world then as Scripture says, “the love of the Father is not in him.” And that is absolutely heartbreaking. I have faith that I can give up the things of the world but what I am struggling with is giving up my dreams. Yes, my dreams that revolve around population one. On one hand, I have had some of them for so long and to give them up to follow the path of God just doesn’t seem right or logical. On the other hand, I have been searching and yearning and knowing there was plan and purpose for my life that I couldn’t dream of and decide on my own. And I keep going back to these lyrics, “Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down.”
And tonight I am staring at one of the pictures in my kitchen of an Absolute bottle in a jail cell with a ski mask on and a noose over the neck of the bottle. And there goes the hanging of a past life, being choked to death, and never being brought back to life.
From “Many Roads” by Andrew Peterson
God has brought me to this place and there is no turning back now. I know He will be with me throughout my life but when I stand before Him in His kingdom I want to know I followed Him where He led me. And I don’t have a clue what I am supposed to do with this life. Stay in accounting and in Naples for the rest of my life just doesn’t seem like that’s it. Or work 9 months and volunteer 3 months, so I can have my cake and eat it too. And then is it selfish if I decide to travel for half of the 3 months and only volunteer for six weeks. Or am I supposed to give it all up to do something else [no clue what]… I pray God will show me where He wants me to follow Him.
All I know is that I am more confused than ever and all I can do is pray for clarity and guidance.
I realized this week and it really hit home today that I am truly going at this alone, on the human level. I only have God to lead me through this, to always be there, and to turn to in the good & bad times. Nobody else.
Parts of “Dancing in the Minefields” by Andrew Peterson
“But to lose your life for another I’ve heard, is a good place to begin. Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down. And I believe it’s an easy price for the life that we have found.”
"This is harder then we dreamed, but I believe that’s what the promise is for”
“So when I lose my way, find me. And when I lose love’s chain, bind me. At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days, when I forgot name, remind me.”
“Because we bear the light of the son of man. So there’s nothing left to fear. So I’ll walk with you in the shadow lands, till the shadows disappear. Cause he promised not to leave us and his promises are true.”
Most of “In Your Presence” by Chris McClarney
“In Your presence; Is where I want to be; In Your presence; Is where I'm made complete”
“I give You control; I give up my rights; Cause Your ways are higher than mine; With all that I am; With all of my life; 'Cause Your love is sweeter than mine”
“I surrender completely my strengths and my weakness; 'Cause Your ways are higher than mine; I give my life to adore You and offering before; 'Cause Your love is sweeter than mine”
“Narrow Little Road” by Red Mountain Church
“It is the path where the humble go. It is the narrow and not the broad. It is the pathway down the hill to the graveyard to the living God. Oh I will leave this road for the narrow.”
“Ten Thousand” by John Mark McMillan
“World I’ve overcome you, world”
“My Own Little World” by Matthew West
“In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry, always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket, shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population: me
I throw a twenty in the plate, but I never give ’til it hurts
Father break my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
and put Your Light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me
What if there’s a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
What if there’s a better purpose
That I could be living right now
Well I know there's a bigger picture
and I don't wanna miss it now
Well I know there's a plan and a purpose
That I could be living right now”
Most of the songs I’ve been listening to lately seem to have one common theme to give Him 100% control, lay your life down, surrender all. For me to surrender completely to the Holy One who I cannot see, because He has a plan & purpose for me. This is such a hard feat, to give up the things of the world for Him and trust He has my best interests and intentions. I’m not sure if I’m there yet. But if I can’t give up all of the things of the world then as Scripture says, “the love of the Father is not in him.” And that is absolutely heartbreaking. I have faith that I can give up the things of the world but what I am struggling with is giving up my dreams. Yes, my dreams that revolve around population one. On one hand, I have had some of them for so long and to give them up to follow the path of God just doesn’t seem right or logical. On the other hand, I have been searching and yearning and knowing there was plan and purpose for my life that I couldn’t dream of and decide on my own. And I keep going back to these lyrics, “Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down.”
And tonight I am staring at one of the pictures in my kitchen of an Absolute bottle in a jail cell with a ski mask on and a noose over the neck of the bottle. And there goes the hanging of a past life, being choked to death, and never being brought back to life.
From “Many Roads” by Andrew Peterson
“You can see the roads that we all traveled to just get here. A million minuscule decisions in a line. Why they brought us to this moment isn’t clear but that’s alright, we’ve got all night. Well, could it be that the many roads you took to get here were just for me to tell this story and for you to hear this song and your many hopes and your many fears were meant to bring you here all along.”
God has brought me to this place and there is no turning back now. I know He will be with me throughout my life but when I stand before Him in His kingdom I want to know I followed Him where He led me. And I don’t have a clue what I am supposed to do with this life. Stay in accounting and in Naples for the rest of my life just doesn’t seem like that’s it. Or work 9 months and volunteer 3 months, so I can have my cake and eat it too. And then is it selfish if I decide to travel for half of the 3 months and only volunteer for six weeks. Or am I supposed to give it all up to do something else [no clue what]… I pray God will show me where He wants me to follow Him.
All I know is that I am more confused than ever and all I can do is pray for clarity and guidance.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
The Forbidden "M" Word
I have not found anywhere in the Bible that specifically says masturbation is a sin. Masturbation aside, what leads a person to this state of arousal? Unfortunately, I’m going to have to go with sinful actions/thoughts. If you can honestly say that the actions that lead up to masturbation are not sinful, then it’s not a sin…but if the actions are sinful then the result must be sinful too. These actions may be having lustful thoughts, sexual stimulation, and/or viewing pornographic materials.
I’ll be the first to admit that I have had urges, and sometimes I acted on them while other times I did not. I started having urges when I was in elementary school, and I didn’t really understand what they were until I was older. I also will admit that every time I acted on them it was due to one of the above actions. I was introduced to explicit stories when I was in middle school from some high school friends. I thought it was normal and there was nothing wrong with it. As I long as I didn’t have sex with a guy, everything else was okay. But is this what God says is right, no? 1 Thessalonians 4:2-8 says, “For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.”
Sexual immorality. Not in lustful passion. Impurity. Am I still pure in the sense that I have not engaged in sexual intercourse with a man, yes. On the other hand, am I still pure by acting on lustful thoughts and allowing fantasies to play out in my mind, no. For was it not Jesus who said having lust in the heart was just as sinful as committing adultery (Matthew 5:28-29).
If a person can masturbate without using sinful materials or having sinful thoughts, then I do not believe it is sin. God forbids several sexual acts from fornication (Acts 15:29) to having sex with animals (Exodus 22:19) to having sex with prostitutes (1 Cor. 6:15), so why is there no mention of masturbation in the bible, then? I think because it is not a sin as long as the motivations/urges to masturbate are not sinful in nature. 1 Corinthians 4:6 says, “Now these things, brethren, I have figuratively applied to myself and Apollos for your sakes, so that in us you may learn not to exceed what is written, so that no one of you will become arrogant in behalf of one against the other.” I interpret this verse as saying when people are trying to lead others to Christ they must use His Word as Rule without adding things that are not found in it.
Today I listened to a Q&A lecture session by Beth Moore and Christy Nockels from a Living Proof live event back in 2006. One of the questions asked was, is masturbation bondage or healthy, and how do we break free from it? Below are some of the excerpts from the answer (I paraphrased in parts, so it’s definitely not word for word):
I really thought the example about the R rated movie was very true and practical in today’s society. You can’t tell me that if you watch Original Sin, Unfaithful, Eyes Wide Shut, Kissing Jessica Stein (for the confused), and pretty much any movie with Angelina Jolie (and her usual hot co-star) you do not experience some sort of arousal. Then let’s not even get into the state of arousal a woman and man can experience while dancing with one another at a club (and of course then having to restrain their selves from acting on any of the urges they have experienced). And finally pornographic material, there is nothing good that can come from it other than self-gratification (which is not of God).
A verse I came across today for the first time, where I actually took the time to read it and meditate on it was 1 Peter 4:1-2. “Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.” I think this passage is absolutely perfect when you dig deep into it!!! If I am truly of Christ, then I will suffer in the flesh just as He did. When I have the urges of the flesh and want to act sinfully, I must resist these temptations. It may be painful but again remember that pain is just part of bearing the cross. I can apply this verse to so many areas of my life but one definite area is refraining from masturbation.
If you haven’t read 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, then you definitely should! It talks about how the body is the Lord’s and not yours. This section has really shined a light on how consuming alcohol and self-injury are not good for the body God has given me (and a lot of others things). Below is one of the verses from the section that I feel relates to this topic.
I’ll be the first to admit that I have had urges, and sometimes I acted on them while other times I did not. I started having urges when I was in elementary school, and I didn’t really understand what they were until I was older. I also will admit that every time I acted on them it was due to one of the above actions. I was introduced to explicit stories when I was in middle school from some high school friends. I thought it was normal and there was nothing wrong with it. As I long as I didn’t have sex with a guy, everything else was okay. But is this what God says is right, no? 1 Thessalonians 4:2-8 says, “For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.”
Sexual immorality. Not in lustful passion. Impurity. Am I still pure in the sense that I have not engaged in sexual intercourse with a man, yes. On the other hand, am I still pure by acting on lustful thoughts and allowing fantasies to play out in my mind, no. For was it not Jesus who said having lust in the heart was just as sinful as committing adultery (Matthew 5:28-29).
If a person can masturbate without using sinful materials or having sinful thoughts, then I do not believe it is sin. God forbids several sexual acts from fornication (Acts 15:29) to having sex with animals (Exodus 22:19) to having sex with prostitutes (1 Cor. 6:15), so why is there no mention of masturbation in the bible, then? I think because it is not a sin as long as the motivations/urges to masturbate are not sinful in nature. 1 Corinthians 4:6 says, “Now these things, brethren, I have figuratively applied to myself and Apollos for your sakes, so that in us you may learn not to exceed what is written, so that no one of you will become arrogant in behalf of one against the other.” I interpret this verse as saying when people are trying to lead others to Christ they must use His Word as Rule without adding things that are not found in it.
Today I listened to a Q&A lecture session by Beth Moore and Christy Nockels from a Living Proof live event back in 2006. One of the questions asked was, is masturbation bondage or healthy, and how do we break free from it? Below are some of the excerpts from the answer (I paraphrased in parts, so it’s definitely not word for word):
“We’ll just self gratify and then when we get married then we’ll have our husband for that. Unfortunately, it is still two different things. If we’re thinking that’s just what we’re going to do and then when we start having sex with our husband then that’s going to take that up and I won’t have to self gratify anymore. That’s not true. It still stays as its own separate thing. It’s a fantasy life now that has had multiple partners and we think then we’re going to think about one guy for the rest of our lives. There is nothing about it that builds into healthy sexuality. It’s as addictive as any drug/cigarette that you could take/smoke.”
“Our culture keeps our carnal appetite in arousal.”
“The enemy is trying to vastly decrease the step between temptation and participation. Temptation is never a sin. It’s not will we let it run through our minds, it’s whether we will let it sit down and make it home for a little while. We’ll still continue to watch an R rated movie and then we’re gonna go to bed and expect not to be in a state of arousal. We’re setting ourselves up for failure because of stuff we’re reading, watching, and talking about.”
“Don’t expose yourself to that because you’re awaking it. We’ve got ourselves in such a state of arousal there is a need to release it. You are either going to give way to it or get up & do something else.”
I really thought the example about the R rated movie was very true and practical in today’s society. You can’t tell me that if you watch Original Sin, Unfaithful, Eyes Wide Shut, Kissing Jessica Stein (for the confused), and pretty much any movie with Angelina Jolie (and her usual hot co-star) you do not experience some sort of arousal. Then let’s not even get into the state of arousal a woman and man can experience while dancing with one another at a club (and of course then having to restrain their selves from acting on any of the urges they have experienced). And finally pornographic material, there is nothing good that can come from it other than self-gratification (which is not of God).
A verse I came across today for the first time, where I actually took the time to read it and meditate on it was 1 Peter 4:1-2. “Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.” I think this passage is absolutely perfect when you dig deep into it!!! If I am truly of Christ, then I will suffer in the flesh just as He did. When I have the urges of the flesh and want to act sinfully, I must resist these temptations. It may be painful but again remember that pain is just part of bearing the cross. I can apply this verse to so many areas of my life but one definite area is refraining from masturbation.
If you haven’t read 1 Corinthians 6:12-20, then you definitely should! It talks about how the body is the Lord’s and not yours. This section has really shined a light on how consuming alcohol and self-injury are not good for the body God has given me (and a lot of others things). Below is one of the verses from the section that I feel relates to this topic.
1 Corinthians 6:18 - "Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body."
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thoughts and His Word
Chapter 2
The chapter begins with a prayer from the author that the reader is grasping the importance of training your thoughts to think on what is true and real. I’ve been going to biblical counseling for the past three weeks in order to help look at areas in my life and then turn to scripture for guidance. During the 2nd and 3rd weeks we focused on training my thoughts and asking several questions when something starts to creep in my mind. Honestly, I was thinking it was pretty dumb which was Satan telling me to continue to do it his way instead of God’s way. And what does God do, he has a friend suggest a book that starts off with “training your thoughts.” Man, God is good. I keep resisting and He keeps reaffirming this is the way…and to TRUST IN HIM. So maybe it is not dumb after all, and I need to take this seriously & there is something to it. Continuing to rebuke the bad, negative thoughts is never ending. The thoughts come in a moment’s notice and I’m starting to recognize them and cast them away, instead of dwelling on them and/or allowing Satan’s downward spiral effect occur. Temptations are all around, from magazines to movies to menu items to internet sites to internal urges, and when they come that switch is starting to flip and I am acknowledging that it’s a temptation vs. just the norm. I am so use to doing everything that is in the world which is not of God. A verse I love that reminds me of this is 1 John 2:15-16, “Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.” Absolute Truth.
Replacing the non-truths with scripture is hard when you don’t know scripture by heart. You have to search for what He says and it takes time, which can either distract the mind or discourage the mind & conclude God has nothing to say about this. This is so untrue, since the Bible covers all aspects of a person’s life. But it can be very frustrating, too. I must persevere, as the Bible says. This is why I always have to fall back on James 4:17, if I get that feeling that this isn’t right, then it’s not God’s way & I must refrain from it. Even if I can’t find a specific passage that addresses the situation I am in, James 4:17 covers it all, at least for me. Tomorrow I will most likely be saying this verse over and over as nighttime hits and the devil comes out to play. I am going to have many temptations to go out and have a sinful time….yup James 4:17!
The two areas I am still struggling with, which were discussed in this chapter, are after you confess your sins to God not feeling forgiven and not thinking God could really forgive me for this. Per Elizabeth George, “When I do this, I am allowing my feelings to take precedence over the rock-solid, doctrinal truth of the forgiveness of sins available to us through Christ.” And “I’m allowing my thoughts to take precedence over the Word of God.” Isn’t that the truth! And the truth can be found in scripture too, 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I have to stop right there, and think on that and not allow my mind to wander.
Part of Elizabeth George’s study was to think on the value of God’s Word. I do believe in the inspiration and inerrancy of Scripture. From Genesis to Revelation, everything was inspired by God and is the Truth…bottomline. As I continue to read Scripture, of course, I am going to have questions about the verses and I may not understand exactly what I am reading. With God’s grace He will help me to understand by surrounding me with people who know His Word, are a wealth of knowledge, and radiant how a person is able to walk in His path. Plus, 2 Timothy 3:16 clearly states the ALL Scripture is inspired by God, and profitable in life.
A verse to meditate on…how the price for our sins and redemption was the pure blood of Christ Jesus (wow! doesn’t that just make you want to bow down and thank HIM) 1 Peter 1:18-19 – “knowing that you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers but with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ.”
The chapter begins with a prayer from the author that the reader is grasping the importance of training your thoughts to think on what is true and real. I’ve been going to biblical counseling for the past three weeks in order to help look at areas in my life and then turn to scripture for guidance. During the 2nd and 3rd weeks we focused on training my thoughts and asking several questions when something starts to creep in my mind. Honestly, I was thinking it was pretty dumb which was Satan telling me to continue to do it his way instead of God’s way. And what does God do, he has a friend suggest a book that starts off with “training your thoughts.” Man, God is good. I keep resisting and He keeps reaffirming this is the way…and to TRUST IN HIM. So maybe it is not dumb after all, and I need to take this seriously & there is something to it. Continuing to rebuke the bad, negative thoughts is never ending. The thoughts come in a moment’s notice and I’m starting to recognize them and cast them away, instead of dwelling on them and/or allowing Satan’s downward spiral effect occur. Temptations are all around, from magazines to movies to menu items to internet sites to internal urges, and when they come that switch is starting to flip and I am acknowledging that it’s a temptation vs. just the norm. I am so use to doing everything that is in the world which is not of God. A verse I love that reminds me of this is 1 John 2:15-16, “Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.” Absolute Truth.
Replacing the non-truths with scripture is hard when you don’t know scripture by heart. You have to search for what He says and it takes time, which can either distract the mind or discourage the mind & conclude God has nothing to say about this. This is so untrue, since the Bible covers all aspects of a person’s life. But it can be very frustrating, too. I must persevere, as the Bible says. This is why I always have to fall back on James 4:17, if I get that feeling that this isn’t right, then it’s not God’s way & I must refrain from it. Even if I can’t find a specific passage that addresses the situation I am in, James 4:17 covers it all, at least for me. Tomorrow I will most likely be saying this verse over and over as nighttime hits and the devil comes out to play. I am going to have many temptations to go out and have a sinful time….yup James 4:17!
The two areas I am still struggling with, which were discussed in this chapter, are after you confess your sins to God not feeling forgiven and not thinking God could really forgive me for this. Per Elizabeth George, “When I do this, I am allowing my feelings to take precedence over the rock-solid, doctrinal truth of the forgiveness of sins available to us through Christ.” And “I’m allowing my thoughts to take precedence over the Word of God.” Isn’t that the truth! And the truth can be found in scripture too, 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I have to stop right there, and think on that and not allow my mind to wander.
Part of Elizabeth George’s study was to think on the value of God’s Word. I do believe in the inspiration and inerrancy of Scripture. From Genesis to Revelation, everything was inspired by God and is the Truth…bottomline. As I continue to read Scripture, of course, I am going to have questions about the verses and I may not understand exactly what I am reading. With God’s grace He will help me to understand by surrounding me with people who know His Word, are a wealth of knowledge, and radiant how a person is able to walk in His path. Plus, 2 Timothy 3:16 clearly states the ALL Scripture is inspired by God, and profitable in life.
A verse to meditate on…how the price for our sins and redemption was the pure blood of Christ Jesus (wow! doesn’t that just make you want to bow down and thank HIM) 1 Peter 1:18-19 – “knowing that you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers but with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ.”
Truths Revealed
Chapter 1
I am starting a study through the book called Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George which was suggested by a new church friend.
The biggest thing I got out of this chapter is how God wants/commands me to only think on the things that are true. If I continue to dwell on the negative thoughts that enter my mind, then I am not fully useful to God. When Elizabeth George said, “One Key to loving God with all your mind is choosing not to dwell on the past or unpleasant memories.” That right there is going to be the biggest challenge. I analyze my past on a daily basis, every wrong thing I have done. I’m not sure why, since I can’t change it but nonetheless I do it.
Elizabeth posed the question in her study guide, what have you been struggling with in your personal life, either currently or at some time in the past?
Oh, where to begin…my past mistakes/dreams/continuous thoughts about…creating some distance between a couple of friends, resisting going out at night to the bars/clubs, feeling terrible for all of the lies I have told people over the years which stems from middle school and some have just been elaborated/expanded on over the years, having hatred toward the people who forced me to go to therapy - even though I knew they only wanted me to get well, that wasn't the way - given I just told stories and found amusement in how far I could make people believe such nonsense (yup more lies - awful), hating my body/being obese, self injuring myself, disgust for wanting to inflict intense pain on myself, yearning to remember some of the good times in my past and annoyed I don’t, resisting the urges to hit/poke/pinch my mother, refraining from cussing, being angry at my mother for the choices she made in her life, being angry that my divorced parents act like they’re married, guilty for never going to meet my half sister or her children when they are part blood and live in Naples, hating my father for not being compassionate, hating my father for not being there when my mother needed him during her cancer, hating my father for treating me like a boy instead of girl growing up and me feeling like I had to act like a boy to be loved by him (I know he was disappointed when he saw I was a girl), sad that I feel he loves my cousin (who is male) more than me, concerned that I have dreams of my parents dying, ashamed I partook in stealing thousands of dollars in merchandise with teammates for pure rush of danger/enjoyment, regret for hitting my dogs when they did something wrong when they were younger - they didn't know better & they feared me from then on, furious with myself for telling the one lie that had a domino effect on my soccer life from middle school to college, disgusted I was inappropriately touched and kissed by a girl when I was in elementary or middle school (it’s a bit hazy what exact year) and going along with it because I didn’t understand these actions weren’t acceptable – and feeling ashamed I never told anyone about it, embarrassed for having a dream during childhood that feels like a reality but having to believe it is a dream about my father or another grown up coming into my sleeping bag when I was sleeping in the living room as a child and doing inappropriate things…and if it was only a dream feeling ashamed for having it, sad that I don’t coach soccer anymore, irritated that there is something else I should be doing but I don’t have a clue what it is, having no motivation to clean my house and then getting annoyed when things aren’t clean, feeling ashamed/guilty at church because I feel like a fraud there (trying to keep a front so people may like me instead of hate me if they knew my past transgressions), frustrated because I am so behind on reading God’s Word, confused as to what God wants me to do with the life he has given me, disgusted at myself because I have dreams of being raped - because I think it is the only way I will ever have sex or feel wanted (which really equals used), angry at myself for taking/consuming drugs multiple times throughout my life (marijuana, oxy, cocaine) – those dreams of joining the FBI are down the drain, aggravated that I have a DUI on my record – how can a person be so stupid, mortified that I like to read sex stories – I was introduced to them when I was in middle school by one of the seniors in high school and from then on I have read them (I can’t help myself – it’s a way to feel loved in a fantasy setting since my reality life is nonexistent when it comes to being acknowledged by a guy – other than “just friends”), wishing I knew what it felt like to die without actually dying – I don’t understand how a person can take their life, I have tried a couple of times and by the Grace of God chickened out every time – I just want to know what kind of mindset a person has to be in to take their own life – my grandmother committed suicide leaving my grandfather, uncle, and mother behind – what caused her to get to that point – also some of her siblings even committed suicide – I just want to know, guilty for being selfish and wasting my first 29 years on meaningless stuff, cheating on tests in grade school and college, hating myself for who I have become, annoyed that I can’t get rid of the triggers in my house and desperately wanting to, afraid that God will never break me free from all of the above items. So there it is 100% of my secrets are out there for the world (the lies are way too many to list out. If by some slim chance a person I know is reading this and wants to know if something I told them was true or false you can email me at drust@dsrliving.com – I’m done telling lies, I want to continue to shine in the light)
Just so we are clear I do love my parents and family. There are areas that I have hated about them but love has always outweighed the hatred. I'm blessed to have them as my parents.
The only victory I have seen is that I have been able to open up to a couple of people which has given me the courage to write this. I want to be free from a these holds on my life which are paralyzing me from growing and living life. People may think less of me after they read this (but really how many people are going to read it) and that is okay. I have to live with it and move on. I have to keep my focus on the Lord, because he is the only person that matters. Everyone can drop me as a friend, and that’s fine because I still have God. And He is the only one who matters. Through reading His Word lately I have felt the need to confess everything and get it out in the open, in order to repent and heal and begin to dig deeper into His Word. My life is changing and everything above is part of my past life and I am thankful God has shined the light on me. By no means has it been easy, and it is going to be an uphill battle for a while but it is worth it. “Grace, mercy, and peace will be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.” – 2 John 1:3 – simply awesome! Saying all of the above is great but actions speak louder than words. “Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.” – 1 John 3:18 or take James 1:22, “But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.”
And my deepest yearning now can be found in the lyrics of “Knowing You”:
“Now my heart’s desire is to know you more, To be found in you, and known as yours, To possess by faith what I could not earn, All surpassing gift of righteousness, Knowing you, Jesus knowing you, There is no greater thing”
Man there is still a lot more of Chapter 1 to go…The chapter really examines Philippians 4:8 which says “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Then it goes on to say in verse 9, “The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Of the eight virtues mentioned in verse 8, I would have to say each one is significant but the first one is most important, "whatever is true." My favorite is “whatever is right” due to one of my favorite verses being James 4:17, “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do but does not do it, to him it is sin.” The one I admire most in others is honorable. For the command in this verse is to let your mind dwell on what is true or real. In order for that to happen they are going to have to be boundaries set. When the bad thoughts come rushing in, I’m going to have to make a conscience effort to separate the truths and non-truths, and all non-truths have to be tossed over the border. By filtering out the negative and untrue thoughts which enter my mind, I will be more productive for God and a better use to Him.
There are so many great passages in Philippians 4, look at verse 6 & 7, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests by made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” How perfect is that!!! Every time I read His Word, I get a rush of excitement and joy. For example, I have heard verse 6 many times in church but reading/writing it just now, brought a smile to my face and I just got really energized inside.
Three key practices from the chapter were memorizing, meditating, and applying God’s Word. I have been working on this for some time but not diligently. I am going to have to make an effort to do this. I already have a list of verses which I want to memorize but haven’t yet. And so it starts…
A verse to meditate on today, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.” – Matthew 7:21
I am starting a study through the book called Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George which was suggested by a new church friend.
The biggest thing I got out of this chapter is how God wants/commands me to only think on the things that are true. If I continue to dwell on the negative thoughts that enter my mind, then I am not fully useful to God. When Elizabeth George said, “One Key to loving God with all your mind is choosing not to dwell on the past or unpleasant memories.” That right there is going to be the biggest challenge. I analyze my past on a daily basis, every wrong thing I have done. I’m not sure why, since I can’t change it but nonetheless I do it.
Elizabeth posed the question in her study guide, what have you been struggling with in your personal life, either currently or at some time in the past?
Oh, where to begin…my past mistakes/dreams/continuous thoughts about…creating some distance between a couple of friends, resisting going out at night to the bars/clubs, feeling terrible for all of the lies I have told people over the years which stems from middle school and some have just been elaborated/expanded on over the years, having hatred toward the people who forced me to go to therapy - even though I knew they only wanted me to get well, that wasn't the way - given I just told stories and found amusement in how far I could make people believe such nonsense (yup more lies - awful), hating my body/being obese, self injuring myself, disgust for wanting to inflict intense pain on myself, yearning to remember some of the good times in my past and annoyed I don’t, resisting the urges to hit/poke/pinch my mother, refraining from cussing, being angry at my mother for the choices she made in her life, being angry that my divorced parents act like they’re married, guilty for never going to meet my half sister or her children when they are part blood and live in Naples, hating my father for not being compassionate, hating my father for not being there when my mother needed him during her cancer, hating my father for treating me like a boy instead of girl growing up and me feeling like I had to act like a boy to be loved by him (I know he was disappointed when he saw I was a girl), sad that I feel he loves my cousin (who is male) more than me, concerned that I have dreams of my parents dying, ashamed I partook in stealing thousands of dollars in merchandise with teammates for pure rush of danger/enjoyment, regret for hitting my dogs when they did something wrong when they were younger - they didn't know better & they feared me from then on, furious with myself for telling the one lie that had a domino effect on my soccer life from middle school to college, disgusted I was inappropriately touched and kissed by a girl when I was in elementary or middle school (it’s a bit hazy what exact year) and going along with it because I didn’t understand these actions weren’t acceptable – and feeling ashamed I never told anyone about it, embarrassed for having a dream during childhood that feels like a reality but having to believe it is a dream about my father or another grown up coming into my sleeping bag when I was sleeping in the living room as a child and doing inappropriate things…and if it was only a dream feeling ashamed for having it, sad that I don’t coach soccer anymore, irritated that there is something else I should be doing but I don’t have a clue what it is, having no motivation to clean my house and then getting annoyed when things aren’t clean, feeling ashamed/guilty at church because I feel like a fraud there (trying to keep a front so people may like me instead of hate me if they knew my past transgressions), frustrated because I am so behind on reading God’s Word, confused as to what God wants me to do with the life he has given me, disgusted at myself because I have dreams of being raped - because I think it is the only way I will ever have sex or feel wanted (which really equals used), angry at myself for taking/consuming drugs multiple times throughout my life (marijuana, oxy, cocaine) – those dreams of joining the FBI are down the drain, aggravated that I have a DUI on my record – how can a person be so stupid, mortified that I like to read sex stories – I was introduced to them when I was in middle school by one of the seniors in high school and from then on I have read them (I can’t help myself – it’s a way to feel loved in a fantasy setting since my reality life is nonexistent when it comes to being acknowledged by a guy – other than “just friends”), wishing I knew what it felt like to die without actually dying – I don’t understand how a person can take their life, I have tried a couple of times and by the Grace of God chickened out every time – I just want to know what kind of mindset a person has to be in to take their own life – my grandmother committed suicide leaving my grandfather, uncle, and mother behind – what caused her to get to that point – also some of her siblings even committed suicide – I just want to know, guilty for being selfish and wasting my first 29 years on meaningless stuff, cheating on tests in grade school and college, hating myself for who I have become, annoyed that I can’t get rid of the triggers in my house and desperately wanting to, afraid that God will never break me free from all of the above items. So there it is 100% of my secrets are out there for the world (the lies are way too many to list out. If by some slim chance a person I know is reading this and wants to know if something I told them was true or false you can email me at drust@dsrliving.com – I’m done telling lies, I want to continue to shine in the light)
Just so we are clear I do love my parents and family. There are areas that I have hated about them but love has always outweighed the hatred. I'm blessed to have them as my parents.
The only victory I have seen is that I have been able to open up to a couple of people which has given me the courage to write this. I want to be free from a these holds on my life which are paralyzing me from growing and living life. People may think less of me after they read this (but really how many people are going to read it) and that is okay. I have to live with it and move on. I have to keep my focus on the Lord, because he is the only person that matters. Everyone can drop me as a friend, and that’s fine because I still have God. And He is the only one who matters. Through reading His Word lately I have felt the need to confess everything and get it out in the open, in order to repent and heal and begin to dig deeper into His Word. My life is changing and everything above is part of my past life and I am thankful God has shined the light on me. By no means has it been easy, and it is going to be an uphill battle for a while but it is worth it. “Grace, mercy, and peace will be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Son of the Father, in truth and love.” – 2 John 1:3 – simply awesome! Saying all of the above is great but actions speak louder than words. “Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.” – 1 John 3:18 or take James 1:22, “But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.”
And my deepest yearning now can be found in the lyrics of “Knowing You”:
“Now my heart’s desire is to know you more, To be found in you, and known as yours, To possess by faith what I could not earn, All surpassing gift of righteousness, Knowing you, Jesus knowing you, There is no greater thing”
Man there is still a lot more of Chapter 1 to go…The chapter really examines Philippians 4:8 which says “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Then it goes on to say in verse 9, “The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Of the eight virtues mentioned in verse 8, I would have to say each one is significant but the first one is most important, "whatever is true." My favorite is “whatever is right” due to one of my favorite verses being James 4:17, “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do but does not do it, to him it is sin.” The one I admire most in others is honorable. For the command in this verse is to let your mind dwell on what is true or real. In order for that to happen they are going to have to be boundaries set. When the bad thoughts come rushing in, I’m going to have to make a conscience effort to separate the truths and non-truths, and all non-truths have to be tossed over the border. By filtering out the negative and untrue thoughts which enter my mind, I will be more productive for God and a better use to Him.
There are so many great passages in Philippians 4, look at verse 6 & 7, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests by made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” How perfect is that!!! Every time I read His Word, I get a rush of excitement and joy. For example, I have heard verse 6 many times in church but reading/writing it just now, brought a smile to my face and I just got really energized inside.
Three key practices from the chapter were memorizing, meditating, and applying God’s Word. I have been working on this for some time but not diligently. I am going to have to make an effort to do this. I already have a list of verses which I want to memorize but haven’t yet. And so it starts…
A verse to meditate on today, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.” – Matthew 7:21
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Healing Has Begun
You have carried the weight of your secret for way too long
Thinking if there is a place called forgiveness you don't belong
Oh, but freedom can never be found behind those walls
So just let 'em fall
Just let 'em fall
How long has it been since you've felt anything but shame
Child, lift up your eyes cause mercy remembers your name
And those tears you've been holding back
Let 'em fall like rain
Cause today is the day
Yeah today is the day
There's a world full of people dying from broken hearts
Holding on to their guilt thinking they fell too far
So don't be afraid to show them your beautiful scars
Cause they're the proof
Yeah, you're the proof
Oh, the healing has begun
Hallelujah
Yeah
Hallelujah
I almost started crying after hearing this song. I have truly carried a lot of secrets around for a long time thinking I shouldn’t be forgiven for them. I felt ashamed, not worthy of forgiveness and some weren’t even my own sins, they were my family’s sins. Thinking I am far too screwed up to be fixed, to be renewed, and to correct the direction I have been traveling on for so long. I know the journey is going to be hard and it is not going to be a quick fix, even though that is what I would like. The healing has truly begun, on the outside and the inside. As I peel back the onion, piece by piece, repenting of my sins and changing direction, I may stumble but I have to keep my eyes focused on the Lord.
Showing my scars isn’t an easy task, to some extent. If someone came up to me and asked about my arm and they were an adult, yes I would tell them. It’s not a problem; however, would I divulge that I still struggle with this and are just more conscience of where I do it, ab-so-lute-ly not! A not so easy task would be telling people I have lied to their face and have told stories, because it was easier to tell stories, then to tell the truth. This one is going to be so hard to refrain from. I have had to catch myself in the past few weeks when asked a question, so I wouldn’t lie. It comes so natural, it’s like second nature. The term “beautiful scars” seems, so backwards when you just say the words. How can scars be beautiful? But when I think about how the healer of the scars is God, and everything he touches is good, then I can’t help but think that they’re beautiful in his eyes. And if the scars are beautiful in his eyes, then it is only right that they are beautiful in my eyes.
Today is a very good day…HALLELUJAH!!! (I just had to say that)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Staying in the Light
It is amazing how God works and makes it known what He wants. A week ago I started about a 2 and 1/2 year Bible study in order for me to really learn God's Word and grasp it. I am continuing to read the Old Testament like I have been but am going to read the New Testament at the same time. This is in addition to scripture readings from books I'm reading through the church. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Due to the fact that as I read, God is shedding light on areas in my life that are not good, productive, or worthy of His praise. Areas in my life that do not honor Him. Hopefully, through the process He'll shed some light on how He wants me to live my life for Him and not selfishly for me. This is really hard...to surrender everything to him. To hand it all over to Him, instead of saying here you can have my car but I'm going to keep the battery for safe keeping.
The study I'm going to do is reading about 7 chapters each day over and over for thirty days and then moving on to another seven chapters. Also, alternating from a small book to a larger book. To start with, I'm reading 1st ,2nd ,& 3rd John for 30 days. Each day just reading it and meditating on it. Just after the first day, God opened up a can of worms in my heart and mind. I was aware of most of my sins but He showed me the rest. There were ones I was trying to justify, and think of them as an issue and not a sin. Every little thing I had done wrong was exposed and I had to acknowledge it. I'm starting to have to deal with the sins in my life, confess them and repent of them. As he started shining light on them and making me talk out loud about them and not lie, oh man was it hard. And of course my knee jerk reaction was to want to go back to the darkness and try to hide from my sins. Do a complete lockdown. Honestly, this first week was absolutely heart wrenching. Second guessing everything, not knowing what to do with my emotions, trying to go back to scripture to stay focused. Then, I opened up to two people at church and confessed about three quarters of my sins. I wish I could have said everything but I already felt sick to my stomach for saying as much as I did. Some of the things I told them about my life, no other person even knows. My closest friends don't even have a clue. Plus, I've tired to be open with everyone about my struggles to want to go out and drink with my friends.
I started to rethink all of this after I confessed my struggles & sins to them and just wanted to turn back and go into the darkness. However, one of the people gave me a link to Dr. Tony Evans's broadcasts and guess what the first talk was about 1 John 1. And Dr. Evans was blunt, to the point about chapter 1 and being in the light with God. Below are some statements/paraphrases from his broadcast that really stood out to me (I replaced the we's with me's):
“He is exposing me to me. He is letting me see things about me that I didn’t think were there. He is letting me experience things that are revealing things in my heart that have now come out of my mouth. He’s revealing and I don’t like what I can see, I have a choice: I can run to the darkness and say it didn’t happen…not real. Or I can remain in the light of the exposure and confess. So to confess something is to agree with God about what He says it is.”
"The moment I call it anything but what God calls it I am going into my own room[, the darkness]."
"The moment you reduce it, you don’t have to deal with it like God says deal with it."
“God shows me something that I have done that is not consistent with His character based on the light that He shines on me and I agree with Him that it is sin. When I agree and confess my sin, he forgives the sin through the blood of Jesus Christ. Repentance is deeper. Repentance comes when there needs to be a change of direction. It means to reverse course. Repentance happens because there has been a pattern established. Confession is needed when there has not been a pattern established but an action corrected."
“As soon as you get tired of running, I am in the room you left”
Just as I was about to give up and turn back, God reminded me that this is the path I am suppose to be on and reading 1 John is where I need to begin. Another thing that came out of this broadcast was that I need to repent not just confess. "Your repentance must be as notorious as the confession of your sins." (from Saturday night's sermon @ FBCN) I have had a ten year plus span of accumulating bad habits and now a new course needs to be created in a different direction. Also, the last statement was perfect...He has been waiting for me to come to Him for years, just waiting for me to get tired of running from Him/resisting Him. At the same time, He has been by my side every time I have called out His name in the past. He is such a graceful God, to not give up on me and continue to wait.
I love everything in 1 John 1. Everything is black and white. There is no mistaking what John is trying to tell the people. "If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." - 1 John 1:6-7
Some of my bad habits (sins) are going to be easy to correct and I won't have to go down that path again. Others I will need daily prayer for a while. And every time the urges start to creep in, and I want to go take refuge in the darkness, I'm going to have to resist and pray to God for help. I am such a weak person. Cutting was bad this week Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. The worst was on Saturday, I went to church and then bible study (so one would think all good right, NO!). Afterwards I got to the car and the urges were too great. And had to do it...and if that wasn't enough I still wasn't calmed down by the time I got to the restaurant, so I had to finish up in the bathroom there. Thankfully, this was my last blade, so no more easy access. On Sunday, I relistened to Dr. Evans broadcast which reiterated to me how I ran back into the darkness on Saturday. NO MORE!!!!!
God please help me break free of self injury and treat the body you gave me as the holy object it is meant to be.
The study I'm going to do is reading about 7 chapters each day over and over for thirty days and then moving on to another seven chapters. Also, alternating from a small book to a larger book. To start with, I'm reading 1st ,2nd ,& 3rd John for 30 days. Each day just reading it and meditating on it. Just after the first day, God opened up a can of worms in my heart and mind. I was aware of most of my sins but He showed me the rest. There were ones I was trying to justify, and think of them as an issue and not a sin. Every little thing I had done wrong was exposed and I had to acknowledge it. I'm starting to have to deal with the sins in my life, confess them and repent of them. As he started shining light on them and making me talk out loud about them and not lie, oh man was it hard. And of course my knee jerk reaction was to want to go back to the darkness and try to hide from my sins. Do a complete lockdown. Honestly, this first week was absolutely heart wrenching. Second guessing everything, not knowing what to do with my emotions, trying to go back to scripture to stay focused. Then, I opened up to two people at church and confessed about three quarters of my sins. I wish I could have said everything but I already felt sick to my stomach for saying as much as I did. Some of the things I told them about my life, no other person even knows. My closest friends don't even have a clue. Plus, I've tired to be open with everyone about my struggles to want to go out and drink with my friends.
I started to rethink all of this after I confessed my struggles & sins to them and just wanted to turn back and go into the darkness. However, one of the people gave me a link to Dr. Tony Evans's broadcasts and guess what the first talk was about 1 John 1. And Dr. Evans was blunt, to the point about chapter 1 and being in the light with God. Below are some statements/paraphrases from his broadcast that really stood out to me (I replaced the we's with me's):
“He is exposing me to me. He is letting me see things about me that I didn’t think were there. He is letting me experience things that are revealing things in my heart that have now come out of my mouth. He’s revealing and I don’t like what I can see, I have a choice: I can run to the darkness and say it didn’t happen…not real. Or I can remain in the light of the exposure and confess. So to confess something is to agree with God about what He says it is.”
"The moment I call it anything but what God calls it I am going into my own room[, the darkness]."
"The moment you reduce it, you don’t have to deal with it like God says deal with it."
“God shows me something that I have done that is not consistent with His character based on the light that He shines on me and I agree with Him that it is sin. When I agree and confess my sin, he forgives the sin through the blood of Jesus Christ. Repentance is deeper. Repentance comes when there needs to be a change of direction. It means to reverse course. Repentance happens because there has been a pattern established. Confession is needed when there has not been a pattern established but an action corrected."
“As soon as you get tired of running, I am in the room you left”
Just as I was about to give up and turn back, God reminded me that this is the path I am suppose to be on and reading 1 John is where I need to begin. Another thing that came out of this broadcast was that I need to repent not just confess. "Your repentance must be as notorious as the confession of your sins." (from Saturday night's sermon @ FBCN) I have had a ten year plus span of accumulating bad habits and now a new course needs to be created in a different direction. Also, the last statement was perfect...He has been waiting for me to come to Him for years, just waiting for me to get tired of running from Him/resisting Him. At the same time, He has been by my side every time I have called out His name in the past. He is such a graceful God, to not give up on me and continue to wait.
I love everything in 1 John 1. Everything is black and white. There is no mistaking what John is trying to tell the people. "If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." - 1 John 1:6-7
Some of my bad habits (sins) are going to be easy to correct and I won't have to go down that path again. Others I will need daily prayer for a while. And every time the urges start to creep in, and I want to go take refuge in the darkness, I'm going to have to resist and pray to God for help. I am such a weak person. Cutting was bad this week Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday. The worst was on Saturday, I went to church and then bible study (so one would think all good right, NO!). Afterwards I got to the car and the urges were too great. And had to do it...and if that wasn't enough I still wasn't calmed down by the time I got to the restaurant, so I had to finish up in the bathroom there. Thankfully, this was my last blade, so no more easy access. On Sunday, I relistened to Dr. Evans broadcast which reiterated to me how I ran back into the darkness on Saturday. NO MORE!!!!!
God please help me break free of self injury and treat the body you gave me as the holy object it is meant to be.
Lego World Introduction
I LOVE LEGOS!!!!!!
There it is I am an adult who is still in love with building Lego models and creating my own. I have to say it's an expensive hobby and very time consuming. I have had to back off from spending some nights building in the last six months due to work and church activities. I have this dream one day to own a warehouse or small home that is just for my Legos. All of my sets could be constructed, instead as it stands I can only have a select few constructed in my house. It would be wonderful! A giant city resting between mountains...and on the other side of the mountains would be a shift in time to medieval/castle era and on the other side Harry Potter. Then there would be an ocean and as you get far away you would see an island that houses the pirates. Oh it would be an awesome scene...moving through time and all emcompassed on one layout. Well, I don't think this dream will be fulfilled for some time (possibly ten years).
You're probably not interested but below are some links to listings & photos I have taken of some of the lego models I have built and of my own creations:
There it is I am an adult who is still in love with building Lego models and creating my own. I have to say it's an expensive hobby and very time consuming. I have had to back off from spending some nights building in the last six months due to work and church activities. I have this dream one day to own a warehouse or small home that is just for my Legos. All of my sets could be constructed, instead as it stands I can only have a select few constructed in my house. It would be wonderful! A giant city resting between mountains...and on the other side of the mountains would be a shift in time to medieval/castle era and on the other side Harry Potter. Then there would be an ocean and as you get far away you would see an island that houses the pirates. Oh it would be an awesome scene...moving through time and all emcompassed on one layout. Well, I don't think this dream will be fulfilled for some time (possibly ten years).
You're probably not interested but below are some links to listings & photos I have taken of some of the lego models I have built and of my own creations:
My greatest creation was a church I built from scratch. It is absolutely amazing! It took about two days to create on the computer (similar to AutoCad) and then another entire day to build(eight plus hours). I found so much joy in building this piece, and the sense of accomplishment when it was completed, was just simply perfect. You should really check it out: My City Cathedral.
The Challenge to myself
Here's my challenge to myself...
For the next year to live!
To live:
- and read His Word daily (and understand it/meditate on it)
- and deal with the sins in my life
- and surrender myself to Jesus, allow him to take the keys and become the driver instead of the passenger
- and work-out daily
- and eat nutritiously
- and not be in fear of failure
- and learn to be happy with what I already possess
with friends
with family
with material objects
with pets
with talents - and have patience with others
- and serve others
- and enjoy life!
This is my goal to myself and promise to God. All of these items are attainable, however men and women have come and gone and not achieved some of the items listed above. This is no easy feat and I may fail. That is okay but I am going to try my hardest. Some of the above items can be measured numerically or by pass/fail while others are subjective.
Two other goals I have are very measurable and are required for me to attain the other goals:
- limited television
- limited movie watching from home
I love movies and love watching television but I believe these two loves of been the demise of my current plateau. I get wrapped up in the drama of the television shows. Every night I sit and watch at least four hours of television. And then if nothing is on I put a DVD in from my 600+ collection. It's insane the amount of time I waste in the day staring mindlessly at a television screen, numbing my mind and being unproductive. Instead, I could be learning, helping, and being productive. I buy Newsweek every week and I am currently 6 magazines behind. If you take this one example and expand it to every interest, hobby, and lifetime goal I have you will find the same result...behind in every one! By living and trying to achieve the above goals, I am confident I will be able to focus more on what really matters.
So that's it....
Saturday, November 20, 2010
And so it starts
I'm starting to blog, hopefully, daily as a somewhat diary that is open to the public. No one may read this but there is a slim chance someone will and they will get to learn about me, the real me. The things I keep secret from my friends and family, all the stories and lies I have told people throughout my life, my daily struggles, etc... Most people think of me as this happy, go lucky person but it's not me, far from it. And every time I open up it goes terribly wrong. So I'm going to try something different this time, I'm going to write it to the world for anyone's eyes. Read it or don't, comment or don't comment...I don't care. This blog is about me confessing my faults and struggles, learning & applying God's Word in my life, and getting back on the path that God has for me. This may be a month process or a year process, I don't know. What I do know is, my life needs to start being about what will please God, not my family, friends, work, or myself.
Some background...
I'm 29 years old and still feel like a girl who hasn't grown-up. Most of my friends are either married with children, living promiscuous lives, etc... Me on the other hand, am still playing tons of soccer, never date, hardly go out, and when I do it's always jeans and a t-shirt, never dress up, etc. On the other hand, I own my own place, I have a couple of cars, a couple of dogs, a masters degree in accounting, and work at one of the top CPA firms in the country. In the past eight months or so I have been attending church services and reading His Word. Engrossing myself in the church has helped to break away from some of my bad habits I have formed in the past ten years. I want more of the non material things in life. Possessions can only buy a person so much happiness. What I want can be found in the lyrics from "Knowing You":
Now my heart's desire is to know you more
To be found in you, and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness
Some background...
I'm 29 years old and still feel like a girl who hasn't grown-up. Most of my friends are either married with children, living promiscuous lives, etc... Me on the other hand, am still playing tons of soccer, never date, hardly go out, and when I do it's always jeans and a t-shirt, never dress up, etc. On the other hand, I own my own place, I have a couple of cars, a couple of dogs, a masters degree in accounting, and work at one of the top CPA firms in the country. In the past eight months or so I have been attending church services and reading His Word. Engrossing myself in the church has helped to break away from some of my bad habits I have formed in the past ten years. I want more of the non material things in life. Possessions can only buy a person so much happiness. What I want can be found in the lyrics from "Knowing You":
To be found in you, and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness
And the journey begins....
Monday, November 15, 2010
Enough is Enough - Some Truths
Want to feel. Feel what it's like to be loved. Feel what it's like to be in love. Feel what it's like to have true friends. Feel what it's like to have purpose in life. Feel what it's like to grow and be a woman. Feel what it's like to not live in shame, guilt, anger.
Instead I feel nothing to the above except shame for having to keep my secrets to myself, guilt for not telling anyone, and anger because no one cares to know.
People have come and gone in my ife but have never stayed. I'm too much of a screw up. Plus, why would you want to be friends with someone who never gets better, who tries and fails time after time. Who wants to be free but doesn't know how. Who can become anybody to not let a person know who they are. I've done it for years.
People thought I had sex at a early age, yeah right. Who would like me? Also, if someone did I would never have let them in. Of course I experimented with minor things to know what it would be like but never did I and have I made love to a man.
Then there is the issue of my memory. Why can't I remember my childhood? Some say it has to do with a trauma I can't relive. Some say molestation while others don't have an answer. I don't have an answer but I want one. I want to know about my childhood.
Did I and do I cut myself to feel the pain I have inside? Yes. Mostly only now when I get very stressed, otherwise I can handle any thoughts I have by exercise or playing soccer or volunteering. But when the stress gets high, there's no such release better than a slice and the blood flowing freely. Do I want to stop...yes. I have it under control and it doesn't hurt anyone. No one is the wiser. Given people have tried to help and have failed, they don't want to or deserve going down that path with me again. This is one that I have to turn to God for help with because no human or book can help.
Instead I feel nothing to the above except shame for having to keep my secrets to myself, guilt for not telling anyone, and anger because no one cares to know.
People have come and gone in my ife but have never stayed. I'm too much of a screw up. Plus, why would you want to be friends with someone who never gets better, who tries and fails time after time. Who wants to be free but doesn't know how. Who can become anybody to not let a person know who they are. I've done it for years.
People thought I had sex at a early age, yeah right. Who would like me? Also, if someone did I would never have let them in. Of course I experimented with minor things to know what it would be like but never did I and have I made love to a man.
Then there is the issue of my memory. Why can't I remember my childhood? Some say it has to do with a trauma I can't relive. Some say molestation while others don't have an answer. I don't have an answer but I want one. I want to know about my childhood.
Did I and do I cut myself to feel the pain I have inside? Yes. Mostly only now when I get very stressed, otherwise I can handle any thoughts I have by exercise or playing soccer or volunteering. But when the stress gets high, there's no such release better than a slice and the blood flowing freely. Do I want to stop...yes. I have it under control and it doesn't hurt anyone. No one is the wiser. Given people have tried to help and have failed, they don't want to or deserve going down that path with me again. This is one that I have to turn to God for help with because no human or book can help.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Who Did I Become?
I had a routine and now it's broken
I want to stop before my losses overtake my wins
I tried to do what everyone wanted
How did things get to be this way?
I never wanted this
I wanted to be myself, happy
I never found that endless open door
My dreams have become dark with never any light
All my thoughts point to one thing these days
I'm scared that I could go through with this
Everyone has their day
Is mine today, tomorrow, when?
I came across this poem while I was going through paperwork and purging old documents and materials. I wrote this poem during my high school days. Those were some sad and lonely days in my past. Below is one more poem I wrote during this time entitled "Will You..."
Have I made an impact
Have I been a good friend
Have I keep my promises
Will you remember me when I'm gone
Did I live up to the expectations
Did people care
Did I do the "right" things
Will you remember me when I'm gone
Could I have done more
Could I of lived for myself
Could I of made my dreams come true
Will you remember me when I'm gone
Was I there when you needed me
Was I ever loved
Was I good enough to be remembered
Will you remember me when I'm gone
Why did I do some of the things I did
Why didn't I open up to more people
Why was I always so sad
Will you remember me when I'm gone
Would I of succeeded
Would I of ever trusted anyone
Would people of gone on a limb for me
Will you...Please remember
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A great stress reliever
I had so much built up stress and anxiety lately and tonight it was no better. I was alone for the night, no dogs or people. I sat down and watched a movie while having a glass wine which lead to a bottle of wine. I was a wreck! I got mad at myself, I cried my eyes out, and I resorted to my best stress reliever. Cutting. First small, shallow cuts and then the final ones being deep. The blood flowing beautifully and all my stress being released.
It was perfect. No need to impress or be ashamed. No one around for them to look down on me. And no one called me tonight. No friends. No one who really cares. And now the calming after the storm.
I feel peaceful and ready for bed.
Good night to all.
It was perfect. No need to impress or be ashamed. No one around for them to look down on me. And no one called me tonight. No friends. No one who really cares. And now the calming after the storm.
I feel peaceful and ready for bed.
Good night to all.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
SI - Cutting
A few years ago (from my journal)....Sometimes when I am at work or anywhere really & I can not concentrate at what I'm doing I'll cut myself. Other times I'll refocus and continue working. So why do I sometimes cut while other times I don't? I have to be able to rationalize cutting myself. I think about it every time but if there's not a good enough reason to do it I won't.
Sometimes all I can think about is cutting myself. Two weeks ago up in Boston all I could think about when we were out was when could I get to the bathroom to cut myself and/or when are we going to head back to the hotel so I can really cut myself. In some sick way I enjoy inflicting pain on myself.
In high school, college, and after college I use to make myself throw up after coming home from a night of drinking. Deep down I hate drinking and just want it out of me, once I'm alone. I don't like drinking for numerous reasons. I don't like the taste, I don't like who I become, etc... I pretty much drink to be social and feel accepted by my friends and others, I suppose. Anyways, since I've started cutting again I find myself coming home after drinking and cutting myself instead of throwing up. On the other hand, the whole point of me throwing up was to get as much of the alcohol out of my system. So now it as if when the blood is flowing from a cut, i'm getting rid of the alcohol...so why have I switched from one to the other?
There are times at night when I lay on the couch, put a sad, depressing movie on (or a blood gushing action movie), grab a towel, razor blade, and start to think/analyze my life. I'll think for a while, trying to find reasons to cut. After all on the surface there are no reasons for me to cut. As the sad sce
nes or action scenes develop I usually will start to cut with or without a reason. These first cuts are shallow and not much blood comes out. Then I get mad at myself because I didn't go very deep. I'll call myself some names like you're weak, you can't handle it, loser, etc... After the name calling I'll cut again this time much deeper and the blood usually flows down my arm onto the towel. I'll do this a few more times and then I'll go to bed. When all of this is going on they'll be times when my thoughts are extreme. I know deep down inside I don't want to die and would never kill myself but they are times i feel like I want to die or just disappear. Having a razor blade in my hand when these kind of thoughts surface, scares the living daylights out of me. So what are these wonderful wholesome thoughts??? I hate my life; no one knows me; no one cares about me; if I killed myself no one would care, they would just go on with their everyday life like I never existed; and my favorites I have no friends, I'm never going to be married, and I'm going to die alone so why not sped up the process. I know this may sound pathetic, sad, selfish, and self-centered but it's the truth. I just need to get everything out in writing that is the truth not the lies I tell everyday.Right now I'm about to land in Minnesota and I want to cut myself. Two reasons I suppose I'm going to have to be social and once I get to the hotel & meet people I'm not going to have the opportunity to do it as much. Basically I just want to cut. It's not going to be stressful getting to the hotel from the airport or meeting people. I've done this many times before without cutting, maybe I'm just obsessed with it.
I did it. I cut my leg instead of my arm. It a felt good cutting a different place on my body. In order to start wearing short sleeves again I've decided to stop cutting on my arm. It's hard though because I don't think cutting on my leg will draw as much blood, do as much damage, or give me as much satisfaction. Then there's the location on my leg, if I put it down low then I'll have to shave over or around it.
Is it bad to want to feel pain? The deepest sorrow? Want the worst tragedies to happen to my family and me? The majority of my dreams at night are of hurtful images. Some are of me being dead and the whole day of the funeral, while others are of my parents and/or grandparents being killed in various different ways & the funeral that follows. The majority are of my mother dying. Then they are the more disturbing ones of me being beaten by men, and then raped; or me killing another person. Except for the last one, all of these have to do with my emotions and how I would feel or react to the situation. I will say though that every time I wake up from any of these dreams the urge to cut is absent.
Looking further back to my adolescent days, I believe I had to cut myself during some period of middle school or high school. I mean where else would I have gotten the idea from during college. I wish I could remember if I did. I can't hardly remember any of my childhood. It's weird saying childhood because I don't feel as though I'm an adult yet. Half of the childhood stories I tell people, "when I was a child...", I don't remember; instead I've memorized these stories that other people have told me happened. Pretty much every bad thing I have done I remember where as any good thing that has happened to me I don't remember. I remember hitting my ankle with a hammer in middle school, getting into a fight in middle school, getting kicked off the Regional ODP team when I was a freshman in high school, getting drunk & blacking out in front of my mother and her friends the summer before eighth grade, crying myself to sleep tons of times my senior year of high school, and the list goes on and on... Maybe I didn't cut myself before college but why not? I felt worse then than I do now. I guess back then I would cry and the tears would release my stress where as now I never cry. I try to cry and nothing happens. This may be why I started cutting again. I want to feel so much outer pain I can't stand it. I never cry but I have to focus on the pain I just inflicted instead of the emotions running wildly inside me.
In college, I started to cut to relief pain and to stop crying. I was crying at the drop of a dime and way too much. I could be in a crowd of people, in class, at practice, or with a group of friends and would start to get watery eyes for no reason. I would have to concentrate on not breaking down in front of people so hard, I would zone out on what was going on in my surroundings. It wasn't a dissociative thing like the books I'm reading talk about, instead it was just concentrating on not crying and not letting all my thoughts consume me while people were around.
About a before month I started to cut again, I was hitting myself with a metal bat to try and give myself bruises. It's so hard to get a bruise to form when you're trying to create i
t. I swear when I was playing soccer I would get bruises by the simplest of actions. It would hurt so bad every time I hit myself with the bat, or fist occasionally, but I never could see a bruise. After constant hitting and nothing happening I resorted to what I knew would give me the best results...cutting. Why did I start hitting myself? I haven't a clue, boredom possibly, being annoyed with myself, or thought it was a suitable punishment. Maybe I just wanted to see how much pain I could take, and/or to what extent it would take for a bruise to form.I had a dream last night that was as close to a nightmare as it gets. I dreamt my father was killed while he was working on the other coast this week. He was driving to work, another car lost control of their vehicle, hit my dad's jeep with direct impact on the driver's side, which caused his vehicle to flip several times. I got the call from my mom and told her to head to the other coast and I would stay back until I had someone to watch the dogs. I called a friend, told her what happened in a calm, nonchalant tone, and asked her to take care of the dogs & grab the family address book. Magically a few moments later the address book was in my hand, this is a dream, and I started to make the calls. Flipping through the book though it was only family and work that I ended up calling. The only people I called for him outside of work and family was the foursome of golf buddies he plays with. No one else. This whole time I never cried, I was calm like it was no big deal, an everyday occurrence.
I'm at a CPE in Minnesota now and when I get back on Friday I'm suppose to go out for a friend's birthday. The plan was to go out and each get a tattoo. I want to get a couple of tattoos but so far haven't worked up the courage to do it. Everyone hates where I want one of the tattoos. I want it on my wrist, in a location where if I wear a watch it will be covered up. I can't imagine a better place on my body. I want it in a place where I can see it everyday. I want "x3" or times three, with the "x" having a roman letter look and the three engulfing the "x". I believe so many things happen in threes, the good and the bad. Most people think it only relates to the bad things but I believe it goes both ways. So many people focus on the bad things in life, they don't realize when good things happen to them (me being one of these people). The other tattoo I want to get is a saying from a Tracy Chapman song, "If These Are The Things". I live by this saying because if it's not true then why am I still here? "Dreams are what life's worth living for". I want the tattoo in some cool script. Other than these two tattoos, the only other one I may possibly want is a window. A window which reminds me to not just look outside the window as life passes me by but to be part of the world.
There are so many places I want to go and see. Most of the places are in so called dangerous places, so they say. What's wrong with wanting to go to Nigeria or Egypt? There are other safer places I want to go like New Zealand, Australia, tons of European countries, Alaska, Hawaii, etc... The only thing that bothers me is when I imagine going to all of these places, I'm always by myself. I'm never able to enjoy the experience with someone. Two of the last three times I went to Europe I went alone. Of course I visited friends once I got there. One of the times I stop in England on the way back for three days by myself. I saw some sites, a broadway, and did some shopping. Doing all these things is great but sucks doing them alone and not having anyone to share the moments with. I could have had my mom tag along but seriously when am I going to break free from my parents.
Now for one of my major downfalls, my weight. Based on my height and a decent BMI chart, I should weigh about 120 lbs. This is so not the case, instead let's try 160 lbs. I need to lose 40 lbs. I want to be able to lose it in a couple of months but I know this is not realistic and unhealthy. I hate looking this way, but I don't have the heart or will to seriously start working out. It's just because I have had to workout everyday for the past 11+ years without a choice. I mean I did have a choice of course but it just didn't seem like it. In order to play soccer and be good, I had to workout daily and stay in-shape. Once I finished playing soccer, I didn't want to do anything related to exercise, except for the occasional bike ride, climb, or water ski. I hate the way I look, I am so fat. It's ridiculous how much I gained in one and half years. My pant size went from a four to between a six and a ten. Also, for work I've started buying large shirts instead of small or mediums. I'm sick of looking this way and people saying comments about my weight. I know I'm overweight right now, so I don't need other people telling me this too. I start exercising and eating right for about a week or so and then everything falls apart. I can't keep it up, it's like it's too difficult and just can't handle it. I know it's not that hard because I've had to workout and I know I can do it. I guess it might be because before I would workout to maintain my shape and to stay fit where as now I'm trying to lose weight and get into shape. It's so discouraging when I workout and I don't lose any weight. I get unmotivated and quit, which makes me even more mad. I haven't been water skiing or boating in so long because of the way I look. This also means my tan has gone down the drain, so so sad. My legs are huge right now; I wish I could have muscle removed from my legs. Seriously my legs are massive, way too big for a girls body. Enough about this...
Last night before dinner I cut myself several times on my thigh. I was reading the book Cutting and the girl I am rooming with was down swimming. Everything just fell into place, and cutting just felt like the right thing to do. The only problem with cutting on my leg is I have to dress the cut afterwards really good, since my clothes have to go back on. How bad would it be if the bandage fell off and I started bleeding on/through my pants. I would be so embarrassed if someone saw!
(And yes all pictures were taken by the blogger)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Another day, another dollar
I have tried to give up drinking for religion but it doesn't make sense. No one in the bible does it say thou shall not drink alcoholic beverages. I understand a person should not over indulge but a glass here and a drink there shouldn't be a sin. I also understand the whole if you set a high standard others may follow in your footsteps. I really don't think any of my friends would stop drinking if I did...trust me no way!!! On the other hand, younger individuals I teach sports to may be influenced but that is even a long shot.
I'm not saying I want to go out and get hammered but a glass of wine on a Friday night never hurt anyone. I nice glass to unwind after a long and hard week at work.
I have found that Riesling wine is fantastic. It is very smooth, not strong, and cold. Is it wrong to drink a merlot with ice. Most would say yes but I can't stand a warm drink when it's 90 plus degrees outside.
Any who this is just my opinion....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I'm not saying I want to go out and get hammered but a glass of wine on a Friday night never hurt anyone. I nice glass to unwind after a long and hard week at work.
I have found that Riesling wine is fantastic. It is very smooth, not strong, and cold. Is it wrong to drink a merlot with ice. Most would say yes but I can't stand a warm drink when it's 90 plus degrees outside.
Any who this is just my opinion....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:Home
Friday, May 21, 2010
London Trip 2010
D Rock
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